What happens when someone lets you down? A lot of times, we get a lot of weird emotions. We get some some really frustrating emotions that come about,
yet we
those instances. Someone
fell short of what our expectations were, and we're gonna talk about that this week on episode 238 of the relaxed male. This is the relaxed male,
a show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host of certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps
men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to the relaxed meal. I'm your host, Brian. I am a certified men's coach who assists men who are just neck deep in the suffering of their lives. These men are the ones who are struggling with their relationships,
trying to find a way to make their bride happy, yet they are making themselves miserable in the process.
What do you do? How do you change your approach to your marriage? And why is this a sacred institute so full of tension
and and and strife?
So this week, we're gonna join me and let's discover how we can actually relax, how we can
stop letting people who let us down
affect us in such a visceral way.
And we're gonna and that's what we're talking about today is when people let us down, when people fail us, what do you do? And how do we how do we handle that?
Because a lot of times, what it means when someone lets us down,
it means
that we have elevated someone to a level that in status that is higher than they actually
needed to be set. And I actually had something like this happen,
a couple of weeks ago. I had a, I had a gentleman
well, actually, the story itself starts about
almost a year ago.
And, well, little
about a year. I'd say a year, maybe a year, even a year and a half ago.
I had a a I had a podcast. Well,
I first had this guy on the show.
Oh, it had to have been
in 2021.
If I'm remembering that, I'd have to look at my look at the,
look at everything again, but I believe this is 2021.
And
great show.
He was dropping truth bombs left, right, center. He it was a noncash show. 1 of my favorite shows.
And then about a year,
year and a half, maybe year, 9 months later,
he shows he shows up in my text messages and asks, hey.
What would would I mind taking the YouTube video down of his show? I was like,
So what's and, you know, I was kinda curious as to well, what is it about that show that,
that offended him or he decided he needed a show drop?
And, he's just like, well, I'm I'm going I'm trying to run for local government. And so and some people
wouldn't understand. I was like,
that's kind of a pain in the ass, but okay. Fine. I'll I'll I'll take it now. It's not that it's anything great, terrible, or difficult. It's just, you know, it's something,
something I was kind of proud of, and I wanted to have it up. So alright. Fine.
I put it I take it down and didn't hear anything out from him until about 2 weeks ago.
And he had come up and asked, hey.
Why,
would you mind taking the podcast episode down? And I was like, okay, man. No. But why why do you wanna take this down? Why is this something
that is
of high value? I deemed it high value,
but all of a sudden,
this guy deemed it not to be high value. What is it about that? And I asked him, we threw emails and and and, text messages and stuff. We kinda
hashed it out where it was
he's
in a in a different business now and needs to have a different persona. And I was like going, what do you mean a different persona? Why is it that why is this
why is being masculine
in,
all of a sudden a problem for you? And
it's
through and
his he really didn't give a good example or and anything and didn't or didn't say anything that really satisfied my curiosity
is what it boiled down to. It was just I didn't
I didn't accept
the the statements that he made. And that
I was
like, after talking for about 30 minutes, we decided to hop on the phone. I wait I we talked with each other for about
30, 45 minutes, and I was like, alright. Give me a give me a week to think about it. And so I I did. I sat down, and I contemplated this as I was driving through,
driving across,
across Texas,
to to east Texas. Every time I'd hit that direction, that's main thing I was thinking about. It's like, what how am I supposed to do this? Why why should I take this down?
Why should I keep it up? And I was trying to look at both sides. Wanted to take it down, wanna take it up. I talked to my friends, and half of them were all,
take them, you know, give them the fingers. Say, hell, no. You ain't taking that down. That's my, you know, that's all my stuff. That's my
my hard work. That's what I did. I want to show guys what masculinity is about, and the other half's like going, dude, why not just take it down? He's out of integrity. He's not he doesn't believe in what he says anymore. So why would you want that on your show? And both well, both of them are good,
but I liked what the information that he said, again. But, also, he's you know? Apparently, in my mind at that moment, I was like, yeah. But he's out of integrity. He's
he either was lying to us, all of us podcast listeners,
or he was lying to himself
or
and that it and it took a while, but it finally clicked in, or maybe he just is in scarcity. Maybe he's got other problems.
Maybe he needs to take this down because, well, he's not making as much money as he used to. And so he's gotta work in other places, and he's gotta work in corporate or or companies. And he's
because of those corporate companies, he's decided, you know what? I I they're questioning me on this. They're looking at this and going, dude, you don't fit in with the culture.
Who wants mister strong masculine man, and
why is that you know? And so
I fought this for a long while.
And I was
like, oh, yeah. I should keep it. And then, no, I don't wanna keep it. And to the point to where I finally
realized what the actual problem
is. And that problem
is that
I had him on a on a pedestal. I
I was actually more upset at the fact that he let
me down. I had set him on
a on on this pedestal,
and all of a sudden, he made a wrong step
and
fell out of what I deemed
out of integrity.
Is he out of integrity for himself? No. And that's what matters. It's not he
he can be out of integrity with everybody else.
That's all on them. But is he out of integrity with himself? That I don't know. That is all entirely upon
his own thoughts. If he wants to be out of integrity with himself, that's,
then he he gets to live with it.
I'm
on I'm halfway across the country from him. So he, you know, it's not like I'm gonna bump into him over at the local mall or anything.
So
there's so there is a you know, I'm actually more out of integrity with myself because I am wanting to be petty.
Because there is a part of me that's going, hell no. I'm gonna keep it up. I'm gonna rub it in his face that he is a man who believes in masculinity, who doesn't believe in masculinity anymore. And,
again, that was
as I examined it, I realized that thought didn't serve me very well. It doesn't serve him, but it doesn't serve me at all
because it's making me angry, making me resentful, making me frustrated, and everything else.
I'm causing other people frustration
because I don't feel like I have power over my own show.
When in all reality, I do have power over my show. I get to choose to keep it up or bring or take it down.
Just because I have some guy asking me if I would take down 1 episode. Yeah. It's gonna throw my numbering system out the window.
Alright? It's all of a sudden, it's gonna go from, like, 37
to 39.
So 38's missing.
What am I making that mean? Well,
that's that's all that that's something nobody's really gonna notice. Very few people may 1, 2 people out of everybody, whoever listens to it may go, hey. What happened to episode number 38?
I had to take it down. If you really, really want it, I've still got it. I'll send it over to you. Alright? Somebody happens to ask, and they
they know and it's not episode 38. But if you happen to come across and you happen to notice that the episode is missing
and you wanna listen to it,
let me know. Shoot me an email, brian with a y at relax mail dot com,
and just tell me, hey. I'd like to listen to that episode that was taken down. Give me the episode number
and poof, voila. I'll send the I'll send a a direct link to it so you can actually download it and listen to it and, and and all that. And
but for the average person,
you're still gonna be able to find it too. It's still up on the Internet because there's some places that, sadly,
I don't have control over. I don't have control over,
the Wayback Machine that's got a copy of it. There are, there's a, a podcast directory
that
is still up, but they don't have any web interface to it anymore, which I I know it's weird.
But if I go to this go to the site, it's
if I do a search, it shows up in the search for that for that title,
but
it's not
you you can't go and look at it on the inter on the web because it doesn't have a website.
So it's one of those weird things of it's there, but it's not there, but yet it's kinda there. And then, also, this thing is also
blockchain based, so you can't actually ever fully get rid of it. It's always gonna be sitting there. And if someone wants to go dig through the blockchain information, they can find it. He's going he's I mean, he's gonna have his own
worries.
And who am I to be the man who makes his worries worse?
So I was falling so far out of integrity.
And because I
was out of integrity, I realized that there are some things
that you want to remember
when someone lets you down.
And because people are, they're going to let you down every time. People are
are imperfect.
Alright? They are never going to be 1 even when they are out of integrity.
If they believe they're in, in integrity, they're going to deny being out of integrity,
which is because again, with this guy, I could claim that he is out of integrity, left, right, center for years. And if he thinks he's in
he's
in his integrity,
then
he's going to be able to it's not gonna do anything for him. It's not gonna cause anything any any distress in him because he doesn't believe it.
Yet if you agree with it, if he agreed with the fact that he was out of integrity, then he wouldn't he would that's when it would bother him.
And then that is
his own guilt weighing on himself.
So
that's the first thing that I realized is nobody
is perfect. Alright?
We all have our ideas. We all
fall short of reaching
our goal.
But the key that we run up and run against is that we get up, we try and try and try again. Yeah. We're gonna fail, like, every almost every single time, but we're gonna get a little closer
every single time, though. We're gonna get a little a couple steps closer, and then we're gonna fail. We're gonna get up, and we're gonna try it again. We're gonna get a little couple steps closer again, and we're gonna fail.
And we get to the point that we're we keep failing, and we keep trying, and we keep getting up, and we'll keep
aiming for it until
we are satisfied with the results.
Then what happens?
Well, we need to make a decision. We decide we wanna either, a, continue going, or maybe it's just not worth keeping going on that direction, so we make a turn.
And that's when
all of a sudden you get people going like me, going, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah, dude. You you're out of integrity now. What happened to everything you said before?
Well, to me, it's true. I'm just now going in a different direction with what I have.
Well well and, again, I can throw my I could run around like my hair's on fire.
But the deal is is that I had no power over what direction he wants to take his life.
The same as he has no direction,
or no influence over what direction I wanna take my life, unless I wanted to get want him to give me insights.
My wife has no
control over what direction I can go. I can might turn around and decide I'm going to be a very disloyal man and start sleeping with any loose woman I come across. The only thing my wife has control over is her thoughts about the matter and whether she wants to stay or she wants to leave or she wants to cut off my my equipment and then leave. You know? She she's got some some she's got some choices. No matter even if the choices look like she didn't have any, we will
when somebody makes a turn, though,
and nobody else understands,
we have to be okay with it.
And that's the big thing. We
have to be okay with it. Because if we don't, we're gonna cause our own freaking suffering. We're gonna cause our own
strife and and problems and anger and resentment and all those other emotions that cause us to want to try to avoid
the emotions that we that we're that we
have. We want to start resisting and start going into indulgent emotions and all this, and this is where we go start going down very
unhealthy tracks.
So be okay with the fact that, yeah,
cousin Marty, who you looked up to your whole life,
said he wanted he was gonna go into, go into the air force, and all of a sudden he becomes a marine.
Or he all of a sudden, he becomes a hippie and doesn't doesn't wanna and thinks the military is horrible.
That's his decision.
You have the decision of looking at him as still being the human being that he is, and you could still love him for being the man that he the human being and man that he is,
or you can be angry and resentful for about it, and then you lose that connection completely.
Your wife may decide that she is
wants to be a wants to be a full time corporate,
employee instead of staying home with the kids.
Okay? Well, y'all can talk about it. Y'all can go through it. But if she wants if she's bound in terms, she's got her jaw set to the fact that she is going to come become a,
you know,
start climbing her way up the corporate ladder,
then you're gonna have to accept it or you're gonna end up losing the relationship.
Which one's more important?
You still have to go down your path. And that's the other thing is
we all have our own paths.
And many times,
we we have people like our me and my wife. Our paths went in the same direction because we chose to get married.
And along those ways, we had our kids and their their paths.
They started out on their own paths. But eventually,
my son grew up and he left the house, and so he had to forge his own path. And there were times those paths went down directions. I was like going, dude, you're making a mistake.
But that was his path.
I could have I could have disowned him,
kicked him out of kicked him out of my life if I wanted to, but I chose not to because he's on his own path. My daughter,
same thing, on her own path.
My oldest daughter, same thing, on her own path.
And I've
had my own individual
reactions and adjustments to my path because of their path.
So we have to understand that paths are people are gonna come into our path. They're gonna walk beside us for a while, and then that relationship will
come to an end. It will serve have served its purpose, and those people will venture off to other directions.
They will go in their own way,
and we have to be okay with that. We have to be alright with that
whole
line of
of of interaction. Those relationships. Some relationships last for lifetimes.
Others only last for 15 minutes.
We have to be okay with the fact that people are going to follow their own path. Because if we if I tried to follow my my wife's path
and she veered away,
then I
am not being true to myself.
And I'm gonna start annoying the hell out of my wife, and she's gonna kick me off of her path.
This guy that I've that I'm talking about,
his path went a completely different direction. Now I would like for his path to continuing
continue to have been my path, but his path diverged,
and I have to keep trudging on.
Yeah. He wore the path down a little bit for me, and I was grateful for that. I thought it was great. And then all of a sudden, he went to the for directions. So now I have a path that is not quite as well worn, and that's good. That's okay. That makes me
better.
And one other thing that you wanna know is that you have to have principles, and you have to hold on to your principles
as you're going through these. Principles are guidepost
for us.
Do am I being honest in this situation?
Yes or no?
Yes? Alright. Good. Then I'm do I'm I'm following my that principle. Am I am I being the man that people look up to?
Am I being a man of
of of honesty?
Am I being a man of of
adventure? Am I being a man of
whatever? You know? Insert your your core values.
If yes, then great. You know where to go. If no,
then you need to adjust and get yourself back on your path.
And he lived his life the way he wanted to. What I thought his principle was may not have been his ever been his principle,
and that's okay.
Who am I to say that his he's not living his life
correctly?
He's just not living
his life
to my standard.
He's living his life to his standard, and that's fine. He can do that.
But the big thing that I realized is that
pedestals are dangerous, man.
Pedestals are so very dangerous because that's what I did
with this guy. I liked him. He was about 10, 12 years older than me. He was in the sixties
when we talked,
and he looked good for being 60. I was like, hell yeah, man. That's what I wanna be. I wanna be a guy who is in shape,
who is full of life. It's in the sixties. Because for some reason, I still think of sixties or, you know, that's old age, man. That's that's when all of a sudden you're you're talking about retirement and stuff, and you're gonna start talking a lot lying soft divorce and and things like that.
And, no, that's not the case.
But because I stuck him on a pedestal,
which is something that I've told you guys many times, I've recommended you guys
not put your girls on the pedestal. Why are pedestals so dangerous?
Because people fall from them. And depending on how you interact with that fall
depends on how well your relationship is going to be afterwards.
You can lose if you react to a person falling and not respond to a person falling,
you're going to react
in ways that are way out of integrity.
Kinda like I was when I first was asked to to drop the show out of the, out of the the playlist.
It's like, dang, man. I don't wanna do that,
but it's
what's happened. Because of the fact that he fell, I needed to turn towards my principles.
I needed to look and make sure that I was being true to who I was
and showing up the way I wanted to show up. And honestly, I wasn't,
which is embarrassing. I'm supposed to be helping guys
relax, and here I am getting myself all wound up, twisted, twisted up because
somebody want didn't want their show
their their guest appearance
on the Internet no more.
And then yeah. Yeah. It still irks me, but that's okay. I can be okay with irking.
I can be okay with even being
severely miffed.
But the issue that I'm running into, you know, the issue that I was running into was that I was reacting to life. I wasn't responding.
I wasn't applying thought, and I wasn't being intentional,
which
is something that I'm able to do now because, yeah,
I've looked at it. I've examined it. Took me a little while. Took 2 weeks
of me examining,
looking, and
contemplating what was going on
and decide how do I wanna show up. Well, I wanna show up this way.
And if that's how I wanna show up, then, okay, then show I have to show up that way,
which means I took the episode down
and I'm okay with taking it down.
Will it should come back up later on?
There there is always that possibility, but it's not gonna be done out of malice.
I'm not gonna put it up because, you know, I think that this person is
is wrong. No. No. He's doing what he needs to do. I I mean, if it comes back up, it's not gonna be for probably another 5 years. That's if the show keeps going.
Who knows?
I don't. I'm busy just trying to see if I can get people to join up on the,
join up on the on
on the on the coaching packages.
And if you'd like help with any of what I'm saying, then please
feel free to come, come over. You can go to relax mail. Comforward/lovebirds,
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Because when you're able to do that, you become
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