Bryan Goodwin: This week is question of the month. This is from a gentleman who has
really,
really
stepped in it. He has violated
the trust of his wife in a really big way. And so what happened?
And how do you fix
the mess that you're in when you cheat? We're gonna be talking about that this week on episode two sixty eight
of The Relaxed Male.
This is The Relaxed Male,
a show that comes to you each week, helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them. Hello, man. Welcome to the show. And today, we're gonna be talking you said earlier,
what happens when you cheat? We have a have a question of the month, and
it is it's it's a tough one, and we sadly, as guys are gonna step into this. But before we start, I just wanna introduce you to myself. I'm Brian, and I am a men's coach.
And I help men
have better relationships.
It's not that we help I help them
get into a relationship.
I help I help you have
better,
stronger relationships
by
changing how you look at what a relationship is.
And if you have any questions, comments,
or anything like that, then you can always reach out to me, brianwithay,@relaxedmail.com.
And today, we're talking
like I said, we're talking about
what happens
when you cheat.
How do you how do you fix that? How do you
how do you clean
that load of cow pie off your shoe?
And I'm gonna tell you, it's not easy.
You can now you can do it. It's it is possible. You can
actually
survive
a
a violation of trust. And that's what a guy who cheats does. He violates the trust of the woman who he has committed his life to.
Now, depending on how you look at it and stuff,
a lot of women will react
depending on what how you look at it,
really is a a interesting
rolling of events, I guess, would be a good way to put that because
and it's it's a,
it's a it's a
it's a long road, however
you put it. But let before we get any further, before I'm I'm trying to go down the down this, already in our and I completely went off and blew away the,
the the question. So let's actually ask the question,
or the comment that came in. I cheated on my wife nine nine years. So they were married for nine years. We have two kids, one under five
and one that's, an infant, newborn. Not even made it to first year, so there's just barely starting to figure out how to tot her,
crawling around. So
I made a mistake,
and the woman
I was with says she might be pregnant.
Now,
how can I tell my wife and convince her to stay with me
while I work on gaining her trust and forgiveness back?
And this is by Marty.
And
we have our sense of of
of self when it comes to our relationships.
Now why did he cheat?
Well, I'm sure there's a lot of reasons as to why
our friend, Marty, cheated. I'm sure there's a lot of really good. She was there. She was beautiful. She was rocking. She was ready to go.
The wife of my of my that I was married to, we hadn't had sex in maybe a month, month and a half. Anytime I ever tried, it was, oh, no. The baby's this. No. No. I'm just too tired. I'm the I've got this. I've got that. There's a lot of excuses that go on. And the reason why I know this
is
I have screwed up like this. I have
put my marriage into jeopardy.
I had an element
of infidelity.
Didn't go all the way to sex,
but
there was still
the
violation of trust and everything that went on with it.
And that is
one of those problems that
at the moment,
you're not thinking of
of the missus. You're not thinking of your wife
or well, I mean, some of us do, some of us don't, because you do take the wife and you're like going, well, yeah, but
she doesn't want it. So but she does. So heck, yeah. I wanna feel accepted because, we
nobody ever cheats in a happy marriage.
So there are problems that are going on in this marriage.
What those problems are,
don't know.
It is not
important as of right now because the deed's been done. The other issue, and I will just throw this out here, is if you cheat
guys,
wear a freaking condom. Okay?
Gee whiz. So many of them come in there and, oh, she may use, she said she might be pregnant. Well, why didn't you put a Jimmy hat on the damn thing, man?
Come on.
And now you're sitting there saying, well, she might be pregnant. Well, that's kinda your fault. You didn't wrap it, man.
You should've put the raincoat on, but you didn't. And I don't know why, especially younger kids, guys these days.
Oh, I don't wear wear condoms.
Dude, there's a reason why STDs are making a huge surge in today's society.
There's a reason why condoms are important. Hell, they were condoms got really big in the eighties because of the AIDS epidemic, and you can still get the AIDS. Oh, well, you know, there's there's things that can say that can that mitigate it. No, you don't wanna live a life like that. You're gonna die of AIDS of one day. You're gonna have HIV and it's gonna turn into AIDS and you're going to die one day.
Yeah.
They have means of being able to,
like I said, mitigate the symptoms,
and, and aids itself, but in antivirals and things like that, but you have to continually take them for the rest of your life. That's not really a cure.
It's a big ass bandaid that you can't take off,
but that's beside the point. The big question is how does he tell his wife and convince her to stay?
And that's where the first
key part of all this comes into play. You have to accept
what you can and what you cannot control.
You can control
your thoughts,
your actions. Alright?
And that's all you can tell. Yeah. That's all you can do.
So
if you tell her,
there's no means of convincing her to stay.
She's going to she's gonna have a made up in her mind that she's either a, gonna stay or not gonna stay,
and both of them are gonna suck. Alright?
Your seven minutes to heaven
is going to be twenty years
of proof. If she decides she wants to stay, congrats, man, because my Alexa, my we've been married for twenty eight years.
So,
obviously, my wife decided to stay
when she found and she found out. I I didn't tell her. She found out,
and that was a lot of hell
to pay. Now
there's
some elements to, to this
that may cause her to stay or not stay. If she's got, if she is
a
fully independent woman, there's a good chance. She's just gonna give you the middle finger, say good luck to you. Get out of my house. And you're gonna have to find a new place to live.
If she is kind of dependent fairly dependent upon your
income and stuff, then she's more likely going to stay. Not necessarily.
A lot of them also say, get the hell out of my house. I'm gonna take three quarters of your cash And, you have a good day.
So can you convince her to stay
possibly,
but you're gonna have to accept that
she's gonna have her own, own mind. She's gonna have her own decision. She's going to say
and do what she wants to say and what she wants to do,
and you have no control over that. She wants to take the kids' leave to go to her mother's house? Guess what she's gonna do? She's gonna take the kids. She's gonna leave the house. She's gonna go to her mother's house. Don't expect to get any sleep for the next two or three days.
If y'all do, she does if she doesn't instantly pack up and leave,
you're gonna have
several days of late night talks
of her wanting to try to understand.
That's gonna be a tough one because
how you've got to be
fully clear of what your thoughts are,
and you've got to completely stay out of the victim zone. Alright? You cannot play the a single victim card here.
You have to
anytime she goes, well, why didn't why did you do that? Why her?
Because she was raring to go. She was she was there. And and, yeah, it was not it was I was wanting it. You know?
It doesn't
matter
what it is
you say
as long as you're staying out of the victim. Now not you're not gonna be the belligerent asshole style of a guy either. You're going to just be the
you're gonna be the guy who understands
why she's pissed off, why she is hurt, why she is wounded
the way she is.
Now
another thing I wanna say is
that you're gonna have to, if you do, there's two actions you can take. All right.
Not saying one's better than the other. This is all completely upon you.
You can, can tell her if you want it. Do wanna tell her,
understand that
this is
a band aid situation.
Get it done, get it over with and get stuff healing now. Okay.
Or it may be that you don't tell her, but know that you're going to have to live with the anxiety of any day now getting
a knock on the door
and a 20 year old woman standing there going,
I think you're my dad.
So which one of those actions do you really
want to face?
Okay?
Because those are both possible outcomes. Now she could not be pregnant. You could dodge a bullet and not telling her and all and you find out, oh,
well,
good.
If she if you dodge that type of bullet, you tell the woman,
I don't I thank you for the fun time, but I can't see you anymore.
Cut off all contact. So let's say you decide you're gonna go ahead and tell her. You've had the nuclear explosion.
You've decided, yeah, we've gotta tell her. So we're doing the nuclear explosion. Boom. You have
the the yelling,
the hitting, because she's gonna hit you.
You don't hit back.
You understand why she's hitting you because you deserve it. And when I say hitting, I mean, she's not doubling up fist with brass knuckles and wailing on you, but she's probably gonna she may smack you across the face.
Okay? She is pissed off,
but know that your wife really can't hurt you unless she grabs a gun and then yeah.
Whew.
But don't think that's gonna happen. Most 99% of the time, that doesn't happen.
Normally, I don't think I wouldn't think does, then run. Run like hell.
But
if that's the case, then you've got bigger problems on your hand than her
than that. You've got a you've got a woman who is completely emotionally unstable.
But
if you if you tell her, you're going to have
several like I said, several nights of just
conversations about it, talking about it, talking about it, talking about it, talking about it, talking about it some more. Why? More tears, more anger, more yelling, more frustration, more,
more emotions piled upon emotions, piled upon emotions.
And it's
it can almost feel like you're drowning in the emotions,
but
if you decide you're going to stay, you have to commit
completely to her.
She's going to want to see your phone
for years.
And I don't mean just two or three years.
When my wife was last time she's all of a sudden had a sneaking feeling that something was going on
and she wanted to check
my phone and check everything. I mean, she was just she just had an instance where she was like, oh my gosh. I feel that it she had that that old
heart
crop back up. And so she I mean, yeah, women come a little neurotic in that in those instances. And we'll get into understanding why they do that here in a moment. But
she wanted to wanted to
verify that I was not talking to this woman anymore.
And I had no problem. I else, she knows where I'm at. I've even though I know she doesn't check on it,
because half the time, she doesn't even realize it's still there.
But she's got I have made sure I am on her find my friends,
and I share my location Googling
and with Google Maps. I share that with her
all the time.
Anytime she wanted to, she could pull up Google Maps
or find my friends
and see where I'm at.
Now, as a matter of one of the cool things about,
Google Maps is that it's it's got timeline. So I can actually pull up and go, see, this is all the places that I've been, and you can zoom in and you see
the good estimation of where all I've been.
And she sees that I have not stopped
in the town this other woman was in. But and also at the same time, I don't ever go up to that area
anymore because we don't live close to there. Or if I go up into up to my hometown,
she's with me, so we're always around.
So you've got a proving stage
that's going to last
for a decade at minimum. I'm gonna say a decade a minute for,
for just the minimum,
because
she's going to go
and ruminate
over what has been said, done,
analyzing your actions, everything.
And yeah, you're gonna be able to sit there and you can point a finger. You can act the victim and go, well, it's her fault. She doesn't wanna have anything to do with me. That's the actual problem. I agree.
Y'all did not have a good marriage.
When the when the affair happened,
when you
cheated, your marriage was not in a good place.
And instead of trying to fix it, you just kind of accepted it for being what it was
and let it roll
instead
of trying to fix it because we told ourselves, no, there's no fixing it. That's just how she is. Our wife is just a frigid
winch and she, you know, and we're not going to, we can't change her. We're gonna tell ourselves all these things.
And that's not true.
Now
I still
I like I said, I've said many times before,
I think women are not the biggest fans of sex,
and I bet you Marty will probably agree with me.
The only time they really like to have sex is for three instant three different circumstances in their life. They're looking for a man,
they're wanting kids, or they're trying to keep a man.
Alright?
If
one of those three
circumstances
aren't around,
she's there's not really a reason to
for them to wanna really have sex.
Now why is that?
I don't know. The only thing I can think of is maybe the lack, or the a decreased amount of testosterone in their systems.
That's the only thing I can think of.
But for whatever reason, majority of women, there are the rare
unicorns out there of women who actually
do enjoy sex as much as men do.
They're rare creatures,
but they are out there.
So if she doesn't leave you,
you're gonna have to accept the fact that you have to make the changes to the marriage.
Alright?
You have to make the marriage better.
How?
There's a lot of different things you can do. You can start reading. Do not
I did this mistake too.
Do not
buy a book
and give it to her.
Alright?
That's you going, it's your fault. It's your problem. I bought Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
by doctor Lawrence Schlesinger
and gave it to my wife.
Honestly thinking, well, I help you to to,
you know,
to help me.
And, you know, I'd gotten a book. I'd gotten,
I think doctor Phil or somebody like that. I got a book also,
and I was I was just like, yeah. We can we can become get this marriage
better together.
Now
do not buy
her a book on how to have a better marriage.
Okay? Because that all she's going to do is she's gonna take that as you're blaming her.
So don't do that.
If she wants to buy a book,
awesome,
beautiful.
Don't comment on it. Like, oh, really? How to how to how to become the bitch
in in seven days? Really? Is that really a book you wanna,
you know, we don't need men, you know, if whatever book she wants to read to better herself, that's for her. Alright?
Control
accept what you control, which is your thoughts, your actions. That's it. Your thoughts, your actions. That
is it.
So you have to start improving. You have to start taking the actions if you want.
Start improving
the communications
that are going on. If you wanna have start trying to come up with what questions to ask, I've got 800 questions, man, that you can go off and
and,
and seek out. And you could start choosing one and ask one every day at, say,
08:00 at night after the yeah. If you put the kids to bed, y'all sit down. And for thirty minutes, it's just let's talk for thirty minutes, and you ask the you ask a question. And then she asked the same question or a different question to you. Doesn't matter as long as y'all are starting to talk because
what's happened is y'all had a breakdown of the different intimacies,
whether it is
physical intimacy, which is reason why you cheated that there wasn't as much physical intimacy as the the marriage needed.
Might be
a breakdown, and she'd probably tell you there's no emotional intimacy.
She doesn't know what you're feeling, which actually,
in a way weird way means that you're not letting her talk to you as as often as she wants to talk to you. Okay? That's what emotional intimacy actually she doesn't really care about what your emotions are.
She wants to know
that are you going to be there to hear about her emotions?
Yes. From now on, if you're still staying with her, from now on, you are. She wants to talk about her emotions and how she feels and how hurt or angry or sad or or horny or whatever type of emotion she's feeling at the moment,
you're down with that. You're learning about it. You're listening. You're catching more of it. You're understanding.
Y'all more than likely haven't been sharing your intellectual intimacy,
sharing thoughts, ideas,
insights into what you're thinking or not thinking,
spiritual intimacy. When's the last time y'all went to church together, if at all?
Come on, man. Let's go to church. Let's start getting ourselves right with the Lord.
Which Lord it is, doesn't matter.
There is you receive more
benefits from going to a church than
just thinking that you're some religious fruitcake. Alright? Because you're not.
You've stopped having experiences with her.
That's one of the most important ways. I mean, that's one of the things you do during dating is y'all have experiences together. Y'all go hiking. Y'all do this, that. Yes. There is a limited
amount of things you could do, especially when you have a
four year old and a one year old,
but you can still go out and have experiences together.
That was one of the things we used to do in San Diego when I lived in San Diego when I was in the navy.
We found so many free things. It may have just been us wandering around Balboa Park
or going to Seaport Village or going to Sunset Cliffs or just walking up and down the streets in La Paloma.
I mean, we did a lot of stuff.
It was the experiences that we had, the moves, the the adventures.
Your wife wants you to take her on adventures.
You have to be man enough to start making those adventures.
You need to start sharing your social intimacy. Start doing things together out in public, sharing each other's world.
And one of the biggest ones you've gotta start working on
is
is accepting and having
conflict intimacy.
You have to start advocating
for
your
your wants, and she needs to be able to advocate for her wants. And y'all both be safe enough to be able to advocate for them and stand firm to know that the other person's not gonna run away
because you have to be able to have
the fights
because that's where your better
relationship is gonna come from. Because now she's going to understand
what your limits are, what you're a what you're about and what she's about. Alright?
But know that you cannot
control
her emotions. You cannot control her in any way. You're not going to help her feel better. You're not gonna help her do anything. She's gonna go through all the emotions that she's gonna have, and you've gotta allow
her to have those emotions.
A setback when she is getting upset and she is upset and she's yelling and she's crying and she's boohooing and she doesn't wanna talk to you, but she doesn't want you to leave the room. And, you know, then there's bunch of other stuff. You have to be able to tell yourself, well, I I made this bed. This is the bed that I'm laying in.
You're kinda prostrating yourself to
to what whims she wants,
and rightfully so.
And that's all that's gonna be going in for the next for several years. And for, like I said, it's gonna be six years and she's still not going to a % trust you.
You have to be okay with that.
You have to own your dirt. I fart.
I screwed up.
I I was gonna say I farted up, but that didn't make any sense.
You
screwed
up. You cheated.
You have to just accept the fact that
the ball is in her court.
She wants to forgive you.
Beautiful. Thank you, honey. Thank you for forgiving me. She doesn't wanna forgive you.
I understand why.
So why do why do women want to
seem to seem to hold on to these things, almost like grudges. Hold these grudges on like like no one's business. Well,
women
are
resource gatherers. They've always been the gatherers of the resources
for since the time man walked around with a cave with a club and clonked women on the head and dragged them back to the cave. Alright?
So they've been the ones who went out. They gathered the berries. They gathered the wood. They gathered everything. They were gatherers. Alright? We were the hunters. They were the gatherers,
and that's just kinda how it went. So they are all about resources.
Do we have enough food? Do we have enough water? Do we have shelter? Do we have the money to be able to pay you the bills? Do we have money to be able to eat? Do we have the money for this?
And when you all of a sudden go off and cheat on her, what she's doing is it's all about her.
Why did I what did I do? Why did why am I not good enough? Why am I why did he choose her over me?
And I've there's a I've got a TikTok,
or a reel out that's
about a,
it's from a scene of a movie,
but it's a girl who a woman who's yelling at her, at her husband about an affair that she found out he had.
And
he kind of just laid it out because
believe it or not, us guys do
like our romance.
Our guys
do
like
having our wife around, but to have them there
to
help us feel good about ourselves in a weird way. And when we aren't getting those
those
certain
elements ticked off,
that checkbox
mark hit, we don't stand up and talk about it.
But this guy, he does. He kinda mentions this. Like, he doesn't she doesn't yell at me. She doesn't make me feel like a fool. She doesn't make me feel, you know, useless.
All the things
that in your relationship
that you should have been speaking up about.
And women, while they are gathering food and stuff, if they see that this is going on
and they find out that they have a woman somebody else has come into the,
in and has started
siphoning
the resources
of income
off,
there's a several there's careful things that happen. One, she becomes highly embarrassed at the fact that she hasn't been doing her
her part in the marriage. Alright? Now whether she has or she has, it's not is is beside the point. She's that's the thought
that's buried down. Because remember,
anger is the bodyguard
of fear. So she just got told hit with a fear of I'm not doing my part.
That's the same thing with guys. If a woman cheats on on on on her husband,
the guy's
gonna be angry. He's gonna be pissed off. He's gonna wanna punch the dude in the face because
he had he that's going to help he thinks that's gonna help him feel adequate.
Well, women wanna know that they're being adequate also.
And so all of a sudden guys running off with another woman,
well, apparently, I'm not being I'm not good enough. I have not been doing my quote unquote wifely duties,
whatever those may may entail.
And those wifely duties, believe it or not, are not just
going off and
jumping
husband's bones. But now granted, we all know, or
most of us know, I'm not gonna say we all, because
most of us know that if you keep a guy
sexually
satisfied,
really, you know, what is it? Keep his stomach full and his balls empty.
If you want a guy who will defend you
with his bare hands
and not look at another naked woman,
do that,
feed him good food,
satiate his sexual appetite.
And that guy will
cross the,
desert on his hands, desert of broken glass on his hands and knees to give you, to give his woman a refreshing glass
of iced tea.
Because though we are
a little more complicated than this,
there is a big element of truth that us guys show us boobs, hand us a sandwich.
We're happy. We're simple creatures.
That's all you have to do. Show us some boobs, hand us a sandwich, and we're gonna be good, man.
Now grand, yes. There's a little more to it than that.
But at the same time, more than likely what Marty has also failed to do, and I'm just kinda having to speculate because I don't have Marty's life ahead of in front of me.
But
Marty more than likely sat around at the house. And when he got done with work, he probably came home, sat down. He probably played the kids a little bit here and there, but didn't help around the house. And I'm not saying guys have to have help around the house. It doesn't hurt.
But at the same time, there are he was not doing
his four pillars.
I am pretty sure Marty was not reading
a book that improves himself
every day.
Reading something out of a book.
Whether that book takes you a month or two months
or just two days, doesn't matter.
Reading
something,
improving your mind, learning something new. Learning is always important. You've gotta work on your mind.
You next pillar is you need to be in shape. I, I bet you Marty probably also had himself a bit of a beer belly and probably a little overweight. And if he walked upstairs, he kinda huffed and puffed.
That's
out of shape. How are you gonna protect your wife
and keep her and her the children safe
if you can't even run down the block
without wheezing?
You have to be able to protect your wife. How do you protect your wife and your kids? By being in shape.
And a lot of guys like to try to be smart and go, well, that's why you got a gun. No, dude. Even having a gun, if you had a gun, you'd sit there. Why do you think guys,
police officers, after they've been in a gunfight,
often will have a heart attack the day after or so?
Because they have they're not their body's not used to that type of blood pressure.
They blow an o ring someplace.
You have to take care of your body. Eat good. You don't have to eat, you know, you don't have to do
a vegan diet. You can eat meat. Actually, I recommend you eat meat.
Eat meat. Eat vegetables. Stay away from grains.
Stay away from sugar.
They're nice. They're great. I love the taste of bread. I love baking bread.
But if I wanna be healthy, I've gotta, I gotta limit the amount of carbs I take into my body.
Hell, I'm still too damn fat to, to really,
to, to be able to preach effectively about getting yourself into shape, because I'm not in the type of shape I wanna be in.
The third is community.
How many friends do you have? How many, I bet you Marty doesn't have many friends. He's probably got
maybe one that he talks to at work, doesn't hang out with at all.
And that's about it.
Guys, we have to have more friends. We have to have a group of six guys
that we can hang around with on a regular basis.
Why?
Because it makes us better. You are the average of the five people you spend the most intentional time with.
Alright?
You have to spend
time with men to be better men. So you wanna make sure that you have good men in your group,
which means that, yeah, that buddy who likes to go off and get high and sit around and play video games all day instead of trying to improve himself,
probably not the guy that you wanna invite into your friend's group.
Yeah. He's a good friend.
He's fun to hang around with. He's always got the good weed,
but no.
You're not about that anymore.
You're about, let's get ourselves going, get ourselves improved. I wanna become a better person.
So you wanna have a better mind,
man work on the man's mind, the man's body, the man's soul is the last one because you have man's community.
So you have the man's soul. And this one here
is tough in a very easy way,
if that makes any sense,
because
the soul
what feeds your soul?
What
brings you ultimate joy? What causes you to wanna get out of bed in the morning and go and go take on the day?
A lot of
us hit the hit the,
the snooze button. Now I don't wanna gotta hit snooze button 56, 7, 10 times before you finally crawl out of bed.
Get dressed, go to work, hate work, come home,
get yelled at by the wife.
You don't have a purpose
getting up out of bed. You don't have a purpose. You don't have the reason to open your eyes and be excited about the day. You don't have to be necessarily
making money off of your your purpose,
but you have a purpose.
What is
that
purpose?
When you come up and you have your own purpose, then you can,
nothing's gonna stop you. You're gonna have a light that's going to attract people to you when you have a purpose.
When you have a purpose, you're going to make your life is going to be
an attractant to more interesting people.
But to have a purpose,
you have to know what feeds your soul.
And right now, a lot of guys don't don't know what their purpose is. Mine is to help you
understand what the world
what in the world is happening
with your relationship. How can you make your relationship better? That's what my purpose is.
And so to do to be able to have a purpose, if you don't know what it is, that is your purpose. Your purpose is to find your purpose.
You can get after that and start finding something and start trying stuff and find out, oh, yeah. That doesn't work quite the quite the right way.
So
let's try this instead. Alright. And then you try this, and then you try a little something out different, and then you try something different. But each time you're trying something, you're learning a little bit more about what you do like about it, what you don't like about it.
You have ideas of stuff that you like to do.
That's where you start.
Start with those. Why is it that you like that?
Do you like it enough that you could do the same thing every day and not be affected by it? Or
is it something that you do for,
six months to a year, and you're kinda like, okay. Never mind. This isn't all that great. It's feeling like work. Alright. Then dump it.
When you work on those four pillars,
you're gonna start having the same type of light about you
that drew your wife to you back when y'all first started dating.
You're gonna have that same smile, that same swagger, that same
oh, what is the phrase that, you know, I don't even know if it's actually properly used, but how
fucking hell.
But anyhow, you have the same spark about you, that same spark of life
that
that is a
that just draws your wife to you.
When she sees that she is safe and sees that she is being taken care of and sees that you are taking care of the kids and that you're providing and that that she has free reign and access to all resources,
being your your body to
the, to the, the bank accounts, and beyond,
she's gonna be more likely to wanna be with you.
She's gonna be more likely willing to want to sleep with you. But if she's not there yet,
that's
on you more than anything
because you still haven't quite provided the value
for her to want to open up about. So
when you cheat
to summarize it all up again,
you have to accept that you're not gonna be able
to convince her to stay. If she doesn't wanna stay, she's not gonna stay. If she wants to go to her mom, she wants to go to her mom's. You're gonna have to just accept that.
So accept what she can control.
Treat the situation like a Band Aid. If you're gonna tell her,
do it now. Because
back, back in my younger years, I actually
lost a girlfriend because I had a child, and I didn't tell her until
months down the road.
I had a child I had a child with another one before I started dating her, but I didn't ever tell her. It didn't really even come up. But when she found out,
she got
hurt about that
and called, you know, said, never mind. We're done. We're over here. Well, this is we're over
we're we're out of this, we're out of this relationship.
Boom. Right then there.
You have to be able to tell
tell her
if you're going to. Tell her now because the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna be. So treat it like a band aid. If she doesn't leave, then understand you're gonna have at the minimum ten years of proving. You're gonna have to prove to her that you are not going to cheat ever again.
Your life is an open book and she can inspect it anytime she wants, and you're not gonna have any problem with it. If you are struggling with porn, you're looking at, dirty movies, dirt looking at no nudie pictures,
you're gonna have to get rid of those. You're gonna have to find a way to you're gonna have to understand why you're looking at those
and not blame your wife for it again, because she's gonna take that as an affair,
level also. And so there's a lot of changes that you're gonna have to do in your life. If you want help
with making these changes in your life, then please
come on over. Go to relaxedmail.com/trycoaching.
Get a free month
of coaching for just to try it. Just try it. Relaxedmail.com/trycoaching
altogether. One word. Boom.
Four weeks.
You, me
talking together
and
come up with a game plan.
Understand what the thoughts are, the thoughts that about the circumstances, because you're gonna we're gonna look at a circumstance. We're gonna look at just thought. That thought's gonna and what what type of emotion are you having because of that thought? And when you feel that emotion, what is the action that you're taking? And that action's causing you to do
do, you know,
do a particular result.
Your thoughts create, an emotion that creates an action that creates a result. So your thoughts are going to create your results. What thought are you having that's causing you to have a crappy marriage?
What thought are you having that led you down the path
to where you slept with another woman?
What thought are you having that's going to that you're gonna change
so that your marriage
becomes better?
That's what we're working on. That's what we implement those four pillars of relaxed male.
And then in turn, turn around
and
have a great
relationship.
Thanks to your you deciding I am gonna have some coaching.
So guys, with that, I wanna say thank you again for listening. If there's anything that I've said here that,
rang a bell, caused you to think of somebody, send that send this e this
episode over to that person.
You can also,
send it up and post it up onto Facebook and let the guys in your groups
know, hey, there's this
podcast out there called the relaxed male. It's changing men's relationships
from the bottom up,
changing the basics
so that we have the relationships that we want,
changing our thoughts to have the results that we desire,
and share it out on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,
Pinterest,
wherever you end up getting your,
have a have a community, Mastodon,
Blue Sky, wherever. I'm I'm you'll find me everywhere. Tag me in it. Yeah. I'm either gonna be
relaxed mail or the relaxed mail.
And, yeah, you can find me just about any place. And if you're struggling finding me, let me know. I'll get to you. You can shoot me an email, brian with a y at relax mail dot com. If you wanna know any
how else,
another question or you have an idea or a,
topic that you would like to hear,
shoot me an email, brian@withayatrelaxmail.com.
Love to hear from you. Talk to y'all later. So till
then,
bye.