This week, we are continuing our discussion with
what in the world are these different types of intimacies. And this week, we're talking about spiritual intimacy
on episode 244
of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male.
A show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach Brian Goodwin as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
We're continuing
our discussion about what different types of intimacy
there are. We've talked about emotional. We've talked about intellectual. And we're going through the list that,
Choose Therapy actually came up with
of the 10 different types of spirit or of of just regular of, just intimacies.
There's the physical, the emotional, intellectual,
spiritual,
experiential,
social, creative conflict, aesthetic, and work.
We have got like I said, we've gone through 2 of them so far. We've talked about emotional,
intimacy. We've talked about intellectual
intimacy. But now what is
spiritual intimacy?
And that one's a a little different. It's a little harder to actually, it was a little difficult for me to understand, and I granted this is all very surface level stuff that I'm talking about on here because,
well, I'm just learning about, that there were 10 you know, there's 10 different types of
of intimacies.
And so
here
there's gonna be a lot of things that I'll probably get wrong and there's because a lot of it is just
this is my initial reaction of reading about it, kinda gathering it, and understanding, processing it, and seeing,
is that really, true intimacy, like aesthetic intimacy? What the heck is that? I can't wait until we get down to that one. That one's a little ways down the road.
But,
we've got some some different types of intimacies. And so just kinda each week, I'm breaking one down.
And, so now we're down to we're up to spiritual.
So we're gonna be talking about that. And spiritual intimacy, I kinda understand. It is basically,
in a nutshell,
talking about
and understanding
each other's spiritual journey.
And we're all kinda go on 1 some people, you know, they like to want run around and say, well, I I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual. Okay. If you wanna you wanna look at it like that and it helps you sleep at night,
go with it.
I don't think you can really,
be spiritual unless you've got
unless you're you're religious. You don't have to have a very organized religion, but you have your or your
religion is a type of,
the type of spirituality.
And that's kinda how I look at and that's kinda what I what I look at when when people say that, they're, they're spiritual, but not religious.
But at the same time, you're you have a
a
a sense of
the bigger the bigger picture, the sense of the the overall.
And that's where that that spirituality,
this religious
sensation comes from. And this is why so many people take religion
so seriously. I mean, some take it to the
degree of being serious and, you know, you say something wrong about it, and they they completely lose their head, burn down buildings, and everything else. While others, it is more
of a of a, of a personal
where it doesn't have anything that happens around them doesn't shake them from their
from their ground belief. They can, you know, they can call think the other people who
disagree with what their religion is are fools, you know, but at the same time, they're not going to completely lose their mind and go riot for the sake of
that, that somebody
did something that might be offended,
might be offensive.
So but when it comes to the spirit to spirituality or even religious
ideas and trying to get to know somebody's
beliefs in that department, a lot of times, we do stay very surface level.
We don't dig very deep into what
a person
spiritually believes if you wanna and we'll just go ahead and stick with the spiritual
nomenclature instead of
trying to bounce back and forth between religion and spiritual because, well, my brain just doesn't wanna work that way. So
I did
struggle with this topic,
because
you can have
a a good
marriage. You can have a good relationship
with another person and not have the same spiritual beliefs.
I've had people who have dated girls whose family were one was a a baptist. The other was a church
was in church
Christ, and they made it work. They stayed married for, I think, like, 60 something odd years
and had a had a good life with it. So you
when it comes to having spiritual intimacy, it's not necessarily
important
as much as,
but at the same time, saying that, at the same time, if you were to were to go and
be on the same page, say you had 2 people who were very devout to being Baptist or church Christ or Methodist or
whatever,
whatever
denomination,
you have a stronger connection. You have, like, my, my grandparents. They both were
Southern Baptist, and
they were very
devout to their to their
church
and to each other. And I think that that
spiritual intimacy is one of those little
extra keys. If you're struggling with having
a good solid
intimacy
in your relationship,
you that spiritual intimacy might be that very thing that you're struggling to
connect with. And when you both get on to a a same page,
you might find that things be fall into place a lot better. Now which side goes guys become go to, the the wife's side or the wife goes to the guy's side, that's completely up to
the,
the couple themselves for to decide. Or if they wanna decide, you know, never mind. We don't really need to have
this, you know, to look at this this element of of the intimacy.
But
still, a lot of people struggle, and so they
there are times where
you have a spiritual belief that
can
really interfere
with
with a marriage. And this is one reason why before you even get married, it's actually a good thing to have
very solid discussions about what is
your beliefs, what are your beliefs, and come to understand what each other does believe and doesn't believe
and come to
see why
I don't believe this or I do believe this. Why do you not believe in in
in that very important thing that I do believe?
And y'all have a good discussion and be able to accept the fact that
not everybody's gonna believe what you do. Not even everybody in your church, if you are going to a church,
is gonna believe
the way you do. Right? Go to go to a Baptist church, yet very few of the baptists really believe in the grace theology that I like to believe that God and I'm not here to
proselytize
or not proselytize. Anyhow, not here to
have a sermon or anything.
But, you know, I I have a the belief that
when Jesus died on the cross, he died on the cross
and for all of our sins at that moment. And so we are always free from sin.
And the so does that mean that you always run around you can go around and you can kill people and he'll forgive you? Well,
technically, yeah.
He he it does.
But
at the same time, you want to provide
you wanna be,
you wanna make God proud. You wanna make Jesus proud. And so that's what the fact that you want to be a goal a good person, you wanna what what you view a good person to be. That's the key one of the key points,
what you view a good person to be. So you have to you you're not
going to go off and and
create havoc thinking that, oh, well, I'm just going to, I'm I'm free from all sins anyhow. So, you know, so I I can do what I want because that's
that's not quite how how that,
all the works because still you're you wanna be a good person. You wanna be accepted. So, anyhow, let's end the sermon. That's my sermon. That's all there is. So
but so
when it comes to spiritual intimacy, this is one thing if you are struggling and you want to improve
what,
the level of intimacy you're having,
how do you increase that spiritual intimacy? And that's that's one that a lot of people kinda struggle with. Because if you are on 2 opposites of size, maybe you're a one person's Catholic, one person's Protestant.
It has happened. There's heads, I think there's a famous headstone in
England. Don't quote me on that, but somewhere in the world where there's a,
there's a Protestant,
graveyard and a Catholic graveyard, and they're side by side, and the people wanna be buried in their in their respective,
graveyard. So but they were married,
and so they actually had headstones built that had
joining hands
over the top of the wall that separated the protestant side from the Catholic side.
And so it's kind of a it it makes for a cute and beautiful story
of how love
can overcome even the lack of
of agreement with,
with religion. But how did they get going? Because they could still you can still have separate,
2 different churches going to 2 different churches and still have spiritual intimacy.
And how is that? Well, because
you're respecting what their beliefs are. You don't sit there and denigrate them and beat them up for for not believing what you believe because,
yeah, these are all beliefs. And if you're not well aware of, beliefs are nothing more than thoughts that we perceive to be true. I perceive that
that, Christianity
will get me into heaven while at the same time, now, Islamists,
they believe that their way of doing things is how you get people is how you get into heaven. Catholics have a slightly different way on how you get to heaven. They're and they're topic,
of Christianity.
But, again, just slightly different.
And
so are any of us right? Are all of us right? I mean, we're all
Jewish,
Islam, Christianity. We're all Abrahamic,
based religions. We all believe that there was this one dude named Abraham who had many sins, and many sons had father Abraham
and, you know,
that old that old story. So you have to be able to accept that your wife is going to have different
sense of of beliefs.
And can you
accept that she doesn't believe what you believe?
You can still have discussions. You can have you can be curious about what she believes and cut talk and come to understand all you want.
But
to to have
but if you were to go through and
and to denigrate and to kept, and to to belittle a person because of what they believe, that's where you're gonna get some problems. That's where all of a sudden spiritual intimacy becomes a very important aspect because all of a sudden, things are gonna start falling apart because
you're
you're talking down about what your spouse believes in. That what I what we believe in spiritually speaking
is very important.
I mean, we're talking about what happens to us after we die. Some people are very comfortable with the fact that,
I die. I think I'm just gonna just blip out and just gonna beep and you'd be gone. And I get that. That might be kinda okay, but I would rather be reassured that, you know, if I have a chance of going to some place really nice
or some place where there's nothing but eternal pain and suffering and horror horrible,
horrible things going on and horrible ugly creatures and torture and all that going on,
you know, I'm gonna hedge my bets and go ahead and say, I'm gonna try to be the nice guy. I'm gonna try go ahead and say, let's let's follow
the teachings of, Jesus Christ because that at least sounds like it's gonna get me up into up into a nicer place than
the alternative.
Now if I blip out, I mean, which one am I losing? I'm not losing either one. Alright? So that's kinda my that's my logic in it. So let's go ahead and let's be a good person. Besides,
church
is is good for guys also because we help it helps us to build that need much needed community pillar
that we're that we're always lacking, especially these days because not near as many people actually go to church anymore,
which is actually sad.
So but one of the big things you wanna make sure is that you a, don't dismiss
what your spouse believes.
Okay?
They believe what they believe. Don't you don't need to scoff at it. You don't need to make fun of it. Just accept the fact that, hey. It's a it's a different belief than what I have, and I'm
okay with it. I'd rather you know, if I don't understand,
then ask a question. Get to understanding
why she believes that that way. And that's one of the things you can do to actually increase your spiritual intimacy is
1, talk about your spiritual journey. What do you
why do you believe what you believe?
What was the journey that you went to get to that point? It may just be something while I was in, I was in Sunday school and, they did a
did a did a call for, all kids who wanted to become saved. And I was like, sure. I'll do this. Everyone else is going up, and so you went up.
And poof, you become saved, and and
everybody has has a good time. They celebrate somewhat, and
then you go on about your day. And then you realize, oh, wait a minute. I kinda
committed myself to something that I wasn't fully aware of, but I still agree with it. And so you may go through and recommit yourself or something along those lines. You tell your story
and you hear what your wife tells and you become
understanding of where she came from and why she believes what she believes a lot more. And so, yeah, you have your spiritual journey, but as they're talking about the spiritual journey, the most crucial part of all of this is
get curious.
Stay curious.
Come to understand why your wife
feels the way she does. Why does she talk
about what
about her her her life and her beliefs the way that she does?
Why does she believe that,
you know, church Christ? Why do you believe
that
no music
in church
is the, is the the,
way to go while,
you know, you got your you got your nondenominational,
and it's got a 5 piece band jamming out during during,
during during the, the the church session.
Well, we have our reasons. We have our understandings. We have, you know, we also have our biases that get that creep in. We have a friend who's a his church Christ, and they
she talks about, you know, we've I've asked her multiple times. Why is it that y'all don't believe that you're supposed to play music? And it's like, well, because the music was created by
so that angels have a means to
to,
proclaim God's love. And I was like, yeah. But we're, you know, but
in the hierarchy of things, we are actually higher than angels. So do we not have that right?
And so these questions get asked.
We get to talk and we get to come into understanding.
And she asked, well, why do y'all worship John the Baptist? Wanna baptist worship John the Baptist more than they worship God? And I'm like,
we mentioned John the Baptist, like, once, twice a year.
I don't think we worship John the Baptist. I think it's just we take we put an emphasis
on
the on the dunking,
if you will,
and and saying and going through and and
that whole
death and rebirth
that that the baptism
represents to us
is a is a more is just a
a ceremony that a bigger ceremony that we put more emphasis on
as opposed to say, like, the Methodist because I think they just kinda spray you
with, with some some water and that's their form of baptism.
I've not ever been to a Methodist baptism, so I'm just kinda guessing here.
But, you know or you got your, you you got your your,
what is it? The one,
the orthodox,
you know,
the orthodox Catholics who take the kid, take the baby and just cook
them, but dunk them, literally, you know, dunk them in the water 4 or 5 times
and and, and voila.
So
and they could be all
terrifying to some of us
and normal to others. And so when you start asking questions about it,
you get to understand.
The only way you're gonna understand is when you express what you don't understand. Well, why do you do it that way?
Well, I do it because this well, why is that the reason behind this? It's and so as you come to ask questions, you understand and you come to appreciate
why your wife believes something different than what she does. And
because y'all have these common discussions
and because y'all go on the, on a spiritual journey together,
whether you believe in the same the same
church theologies
as others,
you know, that's,
that's beside the point. Because if y'all are on a spiritual journey together,
she could believe one thing. You can believe something a little bit different, but still appreciate
and understand and follow
that
you're they're on their own journey while standing right beside you. There's that beautiful little differentiation
that happens.
So you wanna stay curious,
especially through everything. Everything when you're that
curiosity is actually yeah. It may kill the cat,
but it brings man and woman closer together.
Brings that any couple, any any relationship.
You know,
the relationship you have with your in your band of brothers,
the relationship with your family members,
relationships with the folks that you have at work, they all become stronger connections
at because you're curious about them. You get them to talk about themselves and share who they are, and you become
better under you have the ability to better understand them. And then somewhere along the way, it happens where you get to express your thoughts and your beliefs and your
concerns and all those and and your journey and your life story and they become they get to understand you better.
And even if they don't, that's cool. There's not really any necessary that it has to be a two way street. As long as you're understanding,
you're the one who gets to have the ability to have more compassion and more love for the person because you know who they are
a lot more.
So you get to be on the journey. Now some of the other ways that you can actually
have a better connection is also find a way to serve and honor each other
in that spiritual sense.
So if there is a
a ritual
that you like that your wife likes to do, find a way of being able to partake in that ritual. It doesn't mean anything less to you. I mean, there might be some some places, you know, they require that you be a member of that church for you to partake in communion. Okay. So you may not be able to partake in communion with her,
but there might be something else like for Christmas. Maybe there is a special
thing that happens during Christmas. So it's like midnight mass or midnight,
midnight services if you're Protestant.
So you said you're gonna go with her to midnight mass or midnight,
midnight service.
Okay. Great.
Some during,
during Easter, a lot of, I know a lot of churches
like to do sunrise worships where they all go out and, essentially, they go out into a field and it's an open air,
it's an open air church service.
Beautiful because they as they talk to sun and they're doing the service, the sun's rising.
And it it's a really beautiful service to to experience if you've never had the chance to.
The other one is just develop traditions of your own. It doesn't have to be that you're necessarily
you know, we do a lot of this with Christmas because everybody will have different little
traditions that they've created because of Christmas.
We have, you know,
some people believe you should only hang a star on the top of the tree. Other people may believe that you have a, have a, angel or have Santa Claus or, you know, or you have the nativity scene someplace
or there's, you know, maybe you don't have,
Santa or maybe you're one of those that has Krampus that comes through the, what, the day before, whenever Krampus is supposed to come. And so maybe you go through and you terrorize your kids,
you know, on on Christmas Eve because, well, you know, that's what you do for Krampus or or whenever it is. But Krampus is supposed to be tromping around and harassing kids with,
with with with his, antics.
But these are all beautiful, wonderful beliefs. You can develop your own traditions and especially when you 2 are married
and brand new to the, to the marriage department,
man, you get all the fun. You get to be creative. You get to decide, hey. This is how we do Christmas.
I like how you do Christmas. Let's bring that part into the family. I like this one. Okay.
Because, I mean, like ours used to be, when I was growing up, it was always homemade chocolate chip cookies. But my wife makes some wicked
no bake chocolate cookies,
and we all know what those are, but she doesn't just use regular peanut butter.
We found some and we we actually, we got things got it by sheer accident.
We got some honey roasted peanut butter
and put those in there.
Oh my god. That was amazing. And so it became a crucial part of Christmas now to have these chocolate,
these chocolate,
no bake cookies with honey roasted peanut, peanut butter in it. And
it is
so much fun and so much
nostalgia that gets mixed in there because traditions
are our direct link to our ancestors. And believe it or not, whether you wanna accept it or not,
you are your kid's ancestor.
Alright?
You are actually getting old.
And so you have
the you're able to bestow the knowledge
and the stories and the traditions to your kids. Now your kids are gonna hold all those traditions, though, because they're going on their own spiritual journey. So you get to understand
and develop a spiritual intimacy with your kids
at the same time. So as they develop their own opinions and thoughts and go on their own spiritual journey,
they get to start having conversations with you and you with them and these it just it snowballs
and it becomes better and becomes you more beautiful. And if you're wanting to have something like this,
you can. If you're struggling with having, with intimacy and you're wanting to know how to develop
better con better skills with
with
your with your loved one, with your wife, with your kids, with, you know, with whoever.
You can do that, and I can now actually help you out. You can go to relax mail.comforward/coaching
and be able to go get,
go get
a set up a time to go get coached. You can also just go to relax mail.comforward/lovebirds
and,
and set up a time where we can have a,
have a conversation.
So if you are interested in that, please reach out. If you have a question or comment or anything like that, that you can also shoot me an email over. It's brian with a y at relaxed mail dot com. Love to hear from you. Love to talk with you. And,
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Bye.