One of the key ways of finding joy,
finding happiness, finding that fulfillment that you want in your life,
and the same way that you also are able to find fulfillment in relationships
that you're with, is the art of being curious.
We're going to talk about that this week on episode 223 of The Relaxed Male.
This is The Relaxed Male, a show that comes to you each week,
helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live
their life on their terms.
Music.
Join the host certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their
heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey man, hello and welcome to The Relaxed Male. I'm your host Brian and I am
a certified men's coach who assists men who are just neck deep in the suffering of their life.
Men who are going through things like their divorce or struggles with job loss,
items along those lines.
I help men who are just going through their day-to-day struggles.
Life can come at us fast and sometimes we just become so overwhelmed that we
don't know what we're going to do.
That's where I help. I get to the root of what their suffering is,
help men see and change their thoughts around how they relate with other people
and help them that way they can step back, they can relax,
and they can actually enjoy their life to the fullest.
In each episode, we take a look at what it takes for you to actually change
your thoughts, change how you see the world,
change how you view your relationship ship so that you can actually have a better,
stronger, more fulfilling life without playing the victim at all.
And this week, we're going to be talking about being curious,
about curiosity and why we need to be curious.
And why do we lose that curiosity so much?
And this is a problem that we often have because...
When we're young, we're always curious. We're wondering why this happens and
why this does what it does.
And we see a clock and we wonder how does that clock work?
And we, you know, we tear the clock up and we look at it and we examine all
the gears and the springs and the, and all the other little things that make a clock tick.
And we learn and grow because of it. But yet, as we get older,
that curiosity starts to fade.
We stop being as curious about stuff.
Now, we'll come across new things, new wonders that really get our attention
and get us to be kind of curious again.
Like when we first started dating girls in high school, we were trying to figure
out how do we attract the girl?
How do we get that girl to notice us? We really like the cheerleader in our
math class. How do I get her attention?
And we start trying to, we get curious about that. We learn, we grow.
And every time we become more curious, we grow more. We become better people because of it.
Yet as we get older and we start having, and we get married and we start having
kids and we go into, get into our late thirties and go through our forties and
our fifties, we start letting up on the curiosity.
We actually stop becoming as curious as we really need to be.
Now, why is it good that we get curious? Well, when we're curious,
we see more possibilities.
I mean, it's one of the greatest things. You're an entrepreneur.
When they get curious about something, they're fixing to make a big breakthrough. through.
They're fixing to find a way to rock their...
Their own world. They're going to find a way to rock their customer's world.
They're going to come up with something new and great because they get curious
as to why this problem keeps happening and they come up with that solution.
Why do we, as men, keep having a problem with relationships?
Why do we have our relationships fail the way they do?
Why do we have our children pull away from us in their teenage years when they need us the most?
Why is it that I can be sitting right next to my wife and still not feel connected to her?
These are things that I got curious about, and these are things that I started
wondering, and that's one of the reasons why Relaxed Male is what it is today,
because I wanted to get to understand,
get to know, come to comprehend what was happening as I entered into my late
forties and now here at 50.
And because I started getting curious, I started seeing, oh,
there's a lot more patterns. I started seeing a lot more clues.
You see more out there when you get curious, when you start looking at the details,
things start really opening up. You start seeing what's actually possible.
We become better problem solvers in all of our life. When we start being more
curious instead of just, oh, well, that's just how things are.
That's just how we do things.
No, that's probably the worst thing you could say. That's just how we've always done it.
Well, why is that how we've always done it? It's kind of like the, uh, the,
the, the story of the newlyweds who newlywed couple and they,
the, the new bride was wanting to, to really wow her husband.
And so she decided to do what her mom's famous roast, uh, roast and potatoes dish.
And so she goes to the store and she buys a roast and she comes home and she's
telling her husband all about the treat that he's fixing to have.
And first thing she does is grabs a big old knife and cuts that roast in two.
And her husband looks at her and goes, well, why did you just cut it in two and put it in two plates?
And she's like, I don't know. That's how my mom's done it.
He's like, well, why did your mom cut it in two? And she kind of,
they kind of talked about it for a little bit and they didn't know they,
she, the wife, the bride didn't have an idea, any ideas to wine.
So she's like, you know what? I'm going to call mom.
And so she calls up her mom and goes, mom, when you're making your roast,
you always cut the meat in two. Why do you cut it in two?
And she's kind of sat back and thought about it. It was like, oh, I really don't know.
That's just how your, my mom always did it. And so they called up,
called up grandma and grandma called up and answer the phone.
And she's like, mom, why did you cut the, uh, cut the roast in two?
Before cooking it. And she was like, oh, well, that's just because that's how
my mom always did it. Well, do you have any idea why my grandma used to do that?
And she was like, oh yeah, because she didn't have big enough pans.
We do stuff all simply for the fact that that's how we've always done it.
It's usually the sign of somebody who does not want to grow.
That is the sign of somebody who isn't curious.
Why do we not, why do we do it like that? Why do we, you know,
No, put the cheese on top of the tater tot casserole.
Well, honestly, it's because it tastes better if you put the cheese on top of
the tater tot casserole.
These are, we don't, if when we're not being curious is when we're just setting,
we're in that comfortable spot.
When you don't ask why, why can't you do this?
And there are people who don't want you to ask. And those are the people who
really need to be pushed.
We've done things. We've had too many people in government these days who just
don't want you to ask questions.
You start questioning, they're finding ways of trying to say that you're doing
mis, dis, or mal information or whichever type of wrong information they want to deem.
They want to try to scare you from being curious. curious yet
when we are being curious when we
actually stop and look and examine
stuff closely we can come up
with better solutions to our problems but also when
you're being curious about something you're becoming more relatable because
you're showing other people that you don't know everything and it's actually
a good thing to not know everything if you're this if you're the smartest person
in the room buddy you're in the wrong room you become more relatable when you
become curious and when you're eager to learn.
You become more knowledgeable when you are curious and you learn.
And you take in the information. You're like, oh, well, who would have thunk that?
You know, that's a more relatable way of opening yourself up to other people.
You want to get a girlfriend if you're not married.
If you're married, you want your wife to notice you a little bit more. Or get curious.
And we'll talk more about how curiosity strengthens relationships here in a bit.
But to have a better relationship with anybody, to be curious.
Will help you determine, hey, this is someone I'd like to get to know better.
This is someone who is right up my alley.
But you can also really, you can quickly ascertain, this is somebody who I don't
want to hang around with.
If you get curious and they are very standoffish, why do you want to know?
They start becoming very defensive over the fact that you're curious about them.
That's probably somebody who is doing something that
we don't really need to know much about when you
are being curious you are more creative you will
come up with more interesting and unique ways
of solving a problem and because of that you actually become more fulfilled
there's more fulfillment in your life when you take the time to actually stop
smell the roses look around around examine the details that are around you you
are in a growth-oriented mindset.
When you are curious you're more
you have a more abundant mindset also when you're curious because when you stop
being curious you're starting to hold on to just what you have and all of a
sudden you're going to start realizing that you're not holding on to the the
details that you want to to hold on to nearly as much.
And that those details and those friendships and all those things start to kind
of flake away and we start losing those resources.
And so we start to slip into more scarcity.
Those people who are scared that they're losing stuff are the least curious of the world.
The sadder people are those who are just not willing to be curious about what's around them.
Now, as I said, curiosity can allow you to strengthen your relationship,
especially the relationship with your wife.
Because when you start to have discussions, instead of lecturing her and telling
her what you know, you can actually strengthen the relationship that you have,
strengthen that connection by listening to what she says.
I forget exactly what it's called, but it's something along the lines of like
the five five why rule or something like that, where you ask a question or you
hear something from somebody and you ask them why.
And about five whys in, you're,
You're going to come to the root of that person's, well, problem,
if they're having a problem, or their actions, if they've got an action that
you're kind of curious about.
Why do you have trouble with your wife?
Well, she just doesn't want to spend any time with me. Well,
why does she not spend time with you?
Because she thinks I'm being rude because I'm talking about her television shows.
Well, why are you being rude while you're talking about her television shows?
Because I think they're dumb.
Well, why do you think they're dumb? Because they attract the drama that I don't
care to have. There you go.
There's a drama in the life that you just really don't care, but she loves it.
And so you're willing to shove it out of the way. You're willing to dismiss it.
You're willing to dismiss a part of your wife that she actually enjoys.
She likes watching the drama. It feels like she's a part of the group when she
watches the reality shows. When we get curious, we get to understand our spouse more.
We get to see what makes her tick just a little closer.
We can build the needs and the wants and the sense of security that our wife wants for us.
If we want to have more intimate nights with our wife, we have to become curious.
We have to spark her curiosity. curiosity we
have to spark her why why does
she care about you well that's a
good question to ask go ask her so what is it about me that you like what is
it about you about me that drives you up the wall irritates the snot out of
you are you brave enough to ask those
questions and be okay okay with the discussion that ensues after that.
Where are we in our relationship?
Asking questions. When you're letting her know that I care about our relationship
and you're willing to ask questions that might kind of piss her off from time to time.
And you can ask questions, you can ask why's. And
you'll figure out that the tone of your voice
when you're asking why reflects a lot on how she's going to respond well why
do you do it like that is not going to react a very loving response as opposed
to so why why is that the way that you do it why why go.
Take the loop and go around, you know, if you're like,
why is it that you need to take the, take the, the bitter end of the rope and
go around, around the tree up or out of the hole around the tree and back in
again, why do you have to do it that way?
If you want to tie a bowling line, because if not, you don't get a bowling line,
but we get, we have all the, we can ask these these questions, we can look and examine.
And sometimes we just don't think of the question at the time,
but yet if you can activate the curiosity, you can decide, I am going to be more curious.
Now, is it going to be where you're all of a sudden, you're going to be,
all right, I'm going to be more curious.
And all of a sudden you're just, you turn into a two-year-old.
I mean, you could, you could start asking questions like a two-year-old.
So why are you doing it like that? Well, why are you doing it like that?
Well, why is that? And why this?
And why, who is this? And why? And you could ask nothing but questions.
You're probably going to get the same results that your wife gave you two-year-old
when the two-year-old was always asking questions.
Eventually it's going to be, cause I just said, go, you know,
she's going to get frustrated.
She's going to go, she's going to shoo you away. But at the same time,
you can be curious and you can come to understand where your wife is coming from,
where her path of thinking is coming from.
You also get to learn more about what makes your wife bloom,
what makes her open up and just want to share her life with you.
When you're curious and you lean into what it is she's doing,
why does she like to paint?
Why does she like to do beekeeping? Why is it that she likes flowers so much?
What is it? And get to understand and look and you kind of start appreciating what she likes and.
I mean, one, you'd be able to buy better presents for her.
Can you have a, become more romantic with her?
Can you do the cheesy romantic stuff and still look at yourself in the face?
Well, in the mirror, how can you do that? I don't know.
Best thing to do is try something cheesy and then see her response.
If she loves it, you know, you're on the right path, which I don't know a woman
who doesn't like a little bit of cheese in a relationship. All right.
Be silly, be goofy, be curious, be childlike and not like a grown boy type of
childlike, but to have fun and just to giggle for the sake of giggling.
If you think your Tuesday uptight and you and stuff,
you're not going to want to, you're You're not going to let your light shine
near as great as if you allowed yourself to be curious,
allowed yourself and leaned into the curiosity,
leaned into why your girlfriend or your wife feel like that particular aspect of whatever.
You get to learn.
You can learn more about your kids by asking questions.
Most people don't even realize that when you're having a conversation,
if you're the only one asking questions and letting the other person talk,
that person is going to think you're the greatest conversationalist ever.
All because you gave them the prompts for them to talk. best way to have prompts
is to just ask questions really even stuff about that you don't even care can you.
Be curious enough to even ask questions about things you don't even care about.
They're going to drop little hints about, hey, how about this and this?
And you pick those up and you become curious about them.
You're going to, A, learn more about a field you never thought you would ever want to learn about.
But also, you're building a stronger connection with your wife,
with a stranger, with a friend of your wife's, with one of your friends.
It doesn't matter who you're talking to. you will learn and discover more about
your world, about her world, about how things happen, all because you got a little more curious.
And like I said, it helps when you start asking questions and you start becoming
curious about her world.
She's going to feel safer. She's going to feel heard.
She's going to feel understood a lot more.
When that happens you're going
to have more intimate moments it may not
be with the horizontal mambo but you're going to have moments that
are going to be very deep and intimate which
is what we really actually want we want those
caring times where we have a connection we have a moment and it happens when
you get curious you start asking questions you start asking why asking why and
your life will and your relationships will become greater so i suggest this next week,
as you sit down with your wife or calling her
up if you're out on on the road ask her questions so how was your day well okay
what made it a boring day you don't have to coach her so asking things like
so what could you do to not make it boring anymore probably not the best thing
but just try Try to get a little more curious,
a little more in-depth, and see where things go.
You might accidentally be surprised.
If he ends up in a burning disaster, that's fine. That's okay.
You can have the burning disasters too.
There's nothing wrong with that. What happens is that you just learn a way to
a segment of her life that might be a little more, a little tender,
and you may have to figure out a way to more gently navigate that area if it's
something that you want to know more about.
So get curious ask ask
the questions learn grow from those
experiences and learn and grow from what
you learn about your wife about your kids about your best
friend about the about your boss and see
where things go from there all right so
guys make this one here a little bit shorter i
want to thank you very much for taking the time to listen if
you heard anything that just rang a
bell for you just resonated with you just it's like
yeah i know somebody who could stand to hear
this message who really needs to hear this send
this over to them there's all of our podcast apps these days have some type
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You may have no group of guys who could stand to hear about becoming more curious about their spouse.
And let them know that there's a site out there on the net that is out to help
men change their relationships, to have stronger, better.
More fierce relationships with their spouses and their kids and their friends.
These are all things that are possible. These are all items of a relationship
that are possible if we take the time, become curious,
start taking the time to just get to understand each other just a little bit.
And from there, we can become even better.
We become stronger men. We become the men that society needs us to be.
So if you liked what you heard, you would like to get this podcast added to
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You can go to relaxmail.com forward slash subscribe, and you'll see your more
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And it'll download every Thursday during the night.
And when you get up, it'll be red eye, rare and rip for you.
So guys, with that, I want to say thank you again. Nice little short show this time.
Y'all have yourselves a great rest of the week.
Music.