So what exactly is holding you back?
Why can you not
what is that barrier that's just that keeps hitting and you're
it keeps you from actually making the steps that you desperately wanna make? That's what we're gonna be talking about today on episode 10 of Relaxed Mel.
Hello, and welcome to relax now, podcast that helps men change their relationship with themselves. I am your host, Brian, and I am a men's life and mindset coach who is here to help you understand that you don't have to suffer at your own expense. You can live your dream, and I encourage you to set, then pursue your goals.
So join me as I change the mindset and attitude to men so they can be the leaders of their families and their destinies.
Hey, man. Hello. And first off, you're probably gonna know that notice the the really big change. There's no intro music.
Yeah. I am,
I'm a little pressed for time, and I do have a laptop that I could actually be editing music, my podcast files on, but I
don't have the intro and the outro music,
on this computer. It's at the house, and I ran out of time this weekend. And so I am now having to scramble.
It's Monday, which is, you know, still gives me about 4 days before
before the,
the podcast is supposed to come out, but I'm out on the road. So it
yeah. We're not gonna have a any, any intro or outro music at the moment unless I happen to be able to make it home for the night, and then I'll be able to slip it in, which in that case, this will will all get edited out, and you won't even realize it. So but also, you're probably gonna notice there's gonna be a lot more
empty
spaces.
I'm gonna try to make sure I think
smoothly and coherently enough through the whole step, but a lot of times,
I cut stuff out, and I and so you're gonna hear a
very
more
withdrawn
or not withdrawn,
stretched out,
means of thinking because I'd normally
try to shrink down my my
my dead space, and it's just because I
I like to think
in between,
a sentence or 2 because I'm not the quickest thinker, but I do like to think.
So but, anyhow, so
I could and this right here could all be a great example, as a matter of fact, of
why you don't
originally, this was gonna be called why can't you just do it? And I was just the the teenager in me was
he said do it. And so
why can't you just start?
These are
often
excuses that us people make
as to why we don't need to get, why we we're not gonna get started, why we're not gonna take that step.
For me, this podcast, I could have easily said, I don't have all the equipment or all the stuff that I need, so I'm not even gonna take the step until I have everything together.
So I could have said that.
I didn't say that because I wanted y'all to actually have,
the,
have an have an episode. So
we're we're making the episode now, and, hopefully, the sound is quite,
is alright. I'm kind of we're in an open area, but I'm not really hearing a whole lot of,
back
echo, and reverb. So,
hopefully, that's alright. Usually, I record in the car. I don't I just park sit in the car because of all the odd angles. So now that you've got a little bit of
unimportant,
behind the scenes, how's the sausage made type of stuff,
we'll we'll carry on.
So why can you not
just get started? Why what holds you back?
Well, the number one reason that most people
fail to start
is,
and that's fail to start anything. Say, fail to start a job, fail to start,
pursuing their dream, fail to start
working towards, you know, walking the camino, which is something I wanna do,
to fail to even start a podcast or a blog or
even fail to start.
They they have problems even just starting like a friendship.
And the number one reason out of all that is just flat out fear.
People have we are so conditioned that
things are bad, and it's not and a lot of people wanna try to put it out as
we have, the problem with,
you know, with everything that's going on society,
or they wanna even back it up and say, well, it's our amygdala. Well, yeah, our amygdala,
which is,
I think it's about a walnut size or maybe an almond. Anyhow, there's a little part of your brain that's called the lizard brain, and, basically, it's the thing that is,
centered around your whole fight, flight, or fight,
responses.
Are you gonna just wig out and run off, or are you gonna, you know, you're gonna fight for what you're,
you're gonna stand your ground. Are you gonna run or you're gonna or you're gonna stand?
Some pea a lot of people like to think that that is the hole
where a lot of our
our fear comes from, and it does. It's that's what makes us very comfortable. They as long as we're comfortable, the amygdala is happy. The amygdala is happy. You're going to not grow.
It's designed to try just try to make you make sure you stay alive.
So you're if you're
that's the you're always gonna have a little bit of a internal battle with yourself because the moment you get out of the cave, you step up and you walk out of the cave,
you're exposing yourself to the chance that the saber tooth tigers will come along and use you as a as a cat toy.
But
then again, if you go outside, you might be able to find 2 sticks to rub together, and all of a sudden, you've got a fire.
So you have to learn to take a chance, and so many people don't wanna take a chance because of they're just afraid. There's something's gonna happen. Anything's gonna happen. In all reality,
we worry
about stuff that isn't even gonna possibly happen.
These days, we have a
there's in the news, which I
I joke around on Facebook a lot about, whenever they talk, the first thing I mentioned is panic because
a lot of newscasts
and the news organizations
want to have that sense of anxiety and that sense of fear going because that'll make you want to read and go, oh my gosh. What's going on? Am I gonna die tomorrow? Am I gonna die today? Am I when am I gonna die?
They cause that sense of of urgency
in you so that you will actually you know, it's marketing. They want you to buy the stuff. They they
talk you into it. So they
the newspapers and things like that wanna make,
cause a lot a lot of fear. And right now, we have this whole coronavirus
thing going on in over in China, and we've got, like, 4 or 5,
cases of it over here in the US, and there's a couple other,
cases spread out throughout the throughout the world. And
because we are
being bombarded with, hey. This is gonna happen to you. This is gonna happen to you. This is gonna happen to you. We become very
anxiety ridden and very,
very fearful to just, you know, just step outside and to go
beyond
our zone of comfort.
And the thought of actually taking that step or going out and having
an adventure, which is gonna be uncomfortable and it's not gonna be all that pleasant, but makes the best memories.
Like, for example one of those best examples is, have you ever gone camping with somebody and the camping trip
was,
in all pretense purposes, a
a a dumpster fire?
Just nothing was going right. You know, you pitch the tent underneath the beehive
in front of some and anytime you stepped out, there's a,
patch of stinging nettle that you run your feet through every single time. You're,
you're the you're going to go
float around in the, in the lake, but every time you try to get it on the inner tube, you spring there's a hole that springs up in it, and then you've, you know, there's all these other things that happen. And they though they make for a very uncomfortable situation at that very moment.
You lost, you know, you lost all the food, now you're stuck to eating ham hot dogs all night for the next 4 nights. These things
make for an uncomfortable situation,
but they also make for the best memories. Take the kids. They take and they will
remind you of all those horrible times and think that that was the best camping trip ever.
And the reason why is because it was
completely unexpected, completely different,
and
it was a it was a lot more fun than you wanted to actually admit.
But people are afraid of
just results. They're afraid that if they
start a new business and then become successful. Oh, no. Well, what happens if it becomes successful? I might lose my friends. Well, yeah. You're possibly gonna lose your friends. What if I, what if,
I get audited? Well, there's a chance the IRS is gonna audit you. All these things are very big possibilities,
and there's a really good chance that those are gonna happen. You're gonna lose some friends because some friends don't
you're go as you become better with yourself and you start making the journey,
your and you take that step your journey,
you're
you're gonna have friends who
don't wanna follow you.
And because they don't wanna follow you on your journey,
they're going to stay on a lower level while you keep climbing
until eventually you get to see
reach the summit of the mountain and you get to see all the valley below you. While your friend
old friend is down at the bottom of the valley,
look it up
going, well, it's a nice enough look up here.
And they have no idea the glories
and beauty that is strung before them because of the their perspective.
People are also afraid of change. I've always I joke with my wife that she's very change resistant. Something
Walmart switches the aisles around all of a sudden.
Oh my gosh. You know?
They
again, that's that's not the same as being afraid of change.
But, again,
we do have a lot of fear
of things changing. We like to be comfortable. We like to be in a habit. Our mind
becomes very efficient when it become when it's caesarean is able to process the same things. If it runs on autopilot,
it could be the most efficient as possible. But at the moment you change something up and it has to start really focusing,
the the brain itself
really kinda goes into a temper tantrum and really throws a a wall eyed hissy fit because it has to now all of a sudden work, and it has to try to figure out how to do stuff
when it there was a perfectly good normal routine that you had running for for a while. And that's, you know, you go and you're driving,
and all of a sudden you realize, holy smokes. Why am I at,
at work?
I was gonna go to the store to pick up,
pick up some chips, and all of a sudden you realize that, you know, you've pulled into work and you're
dang it. And you have to you know? Yeah. I'm you've done if I've done it, I'm sure you have to. But that's, that's an example of your mind going on autopilot and just it does its own thing.
There it's very little effort, very little energy, and the brain loves to be like that. So when you make a change,
that is very disruptive to the mind,
disruptive to the natural order of how your mind wants to work. And it because of the change and because of the discomfort of that change,
it creates fear.
And so a lot of times, we we as people become very afraid. And so we avoid and we resist that change. And a lot of times, resisting the change is probably the worst type of result, reaction you could actually have to any type of change. This kinda goes with the first one where you're afraid that you might be
upsetting or,
you might end up losing some friends.
There's also the fear that you may upset others. So if you make a make a change or you take a step, say, you leave
your work, you've been working at the same place for 15 years, and now you're gonna venture out on your own. There are some people who actually are afraid to take that final step. It may take them they may decide, January 1st, I am gonna quit, and I'm gonna do my own thing.
And they finally around July
or August, they're they finally worked their way up to the to the boss's office. Go. Yeah. Here's my resignation effective immediately because I'm getting out here.
Why did it take them that long? Well, they were didn't wanna upset
the the
the boss. They didn't wanna upset the team. They have a relationship with all the people in the in in that particular company.
So you don't wanna,
completely
upset them and and
make them mad. I mean, no one wants to make another person mad, but they're because of change and people
resisting change, when you make it when you're the initiator of the change, people are gonna kinda look at you like, what the heck's going what are you doing this for? You can
a lot of people are afraid that there's,
upsetting others is
another reason why they won't make that make a change and take the step towards the dreams they actually want.
And the final one is just the fear of failing. And, honestly,
failing is perfectly natural and good and great. And I've actually got a blog post that came out on Wednesday
about
the virtues of failing. Why you wanna fail, why it's a good thing, and you wanna be okay with failing. You wanna land on your butt multiple times. It's not gonna feel good. It's gonna hurt. You're gonna, yeah, you're gonna end up losing money sometimes. You may end up pissing the life off. There's a lot of things that are gonna happen. You don't wanna have happen, but they're going to happen. You're going to fail. You're gonna find out so many different ways on how not to make a light bulb.
Like, Thomas Edison has, famously claimed to have said, you know, how how do you feel in the 1,000 different ways you failed to make a light bulb? And Thomas Edison
is reportedly to have said, I didn't find a 1,000 ways. I didn't fail at a 1,000 ways to make a light bulb. I found a 1,000 ways to not make a light bulb,
which is a really good,
mindset to have.
But,
you know, there's if you're if you're gonna fail,
be okay with it. But a lot of people,
oh, what if? What if? They they they're hinging all their beliefs and whether or not they take the big step to their big adventure
on a entirely theoretical,
can't prove an ounce of it,
what if?
A great example of this
is back in 2003,
2004,
my son
got a skateboard. He liked skateboarding. He had found my old,
fat board
and,
like to kinda cruise up and down the the sidewalk on it, and he wanted to just board. And so we went, and we got him a skateboard.
And,
in the town next to,
where we were living, there was a skate park, and it had a good little half pipe in it. It was an it was quality half pipe. It was actually wooden metal,
half pipe. It actually had a very good,
wooden,
I'm gonna call it a liner. I don't know what actual term. Anyhow, the inside of the pie the half pipe was made of wood instead of just,
sheets of metal,
which does has its own advantages
because once a little,
you know,
put your fingers, you know, that that far apart. That's yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's
as,
is that much softer
as opposed to what sheet metal is.
So
he
wanted to go to this skate park after he got his,
his
skateboard, and it finally was a nice enough day. And so we went out,
and
he wanted he saw a couple kids who were doing it, and he watched and watched
and watched how these these older kids did it. And, eventually, the older kids were were there was only, like, 2 or 3 of them there. So I was like, yeah. He'll be he'll be okay. They're they seem like they're alright. I hadn't heard too many, too many f bombs being dropped,
and it didn't look too terribly rough.
And so
we were at this park, and so and Alexis, she was only, like, 2 or 3 years old.
So
wanted to wanted her to,
she wanted to go play on the on the playground equipment. And so
kinda talked to Aiden for a little bit, and,
he wanted me to to try it first. And I was like, dude, I can't. I I I've tried before.
And it's been, you know, 10 10, 15 years since the last time I tried going down the down the half pipe. So he talked me into it, and so I went down on my butt,
quite instantly,
started on the board, didn't end up on the board.
So,
he laughed. He got a good chuckle
out of it, but at the same time, he saw that, hey, I fell on the ground. I was able to get up. I rubbed my tailbone a little bit, but I'd, I still got up and I wasn't hurt. And I was like, alright. So that's basically it. And so he got up, he was up on the top of the half pipe, and it's only, like, maybe 5 foot tall.
And,
he stood there
and stood there and stood there and stood there and stood there and stood there. And he'd take the board, and he'd put it on the lip, and he'd stand on the board. And you could see him try to lean out there, and try to lean out there, and try to lean out there. And he keep trying, but then he would step off and pick the board up and watch some of the other guys go through.
And
and he was up on there on that thing
20 minutes, and then he climbed down. He'd go skate around a little bit and and stuff, gets a little extra energy burnt off of him. And then he'd come back and he'd climb up on there again, and
he'd do the same thing. He would stand there. He'd put the board on there, and he would try and just you'd see that wall of that resistance, that fear that he was running right into. Just, no. Oh, no. Can't do that. Try to get oh, no. No. He can't do that. Let's try it. No. Still can't do that. And
he for we were there for about an hour and a half.
And he that whole time, that hour and a half, he couldn't do it. He'd try and he'd fail. He'd try to go down and he couldn't quite get get himself to push down there. He there was that
barrier. He couldn't get himself started. He couldn't get past the
what ifs. He couldn't get past the the fear
that he was feeling and sensing every time he leaned out over that
that lip to try to give himself to go because he was, what if, what if I fall and I land on my butt and I it's gonna hurt. Everybody's gonna laugh at me. You know, you have all these emotions and all these thoughts that choke up the the possibility of moving.
And
some of the other guys saw that he was really he was determined he was gonna do this,
but he just couldn't quite and so boys would tell him. Alright. This is how you do it, and they would they instructed him. You know? Lean back a little bit as you're going down, and that when you hit the start feeling the curve, shift your weight for you know, he told them they were telling them everything he needed to know on being able to to successfully navigate this
this half pipe.
And
after about an hour and a half, we had gotten Lexi was getting tired, and so we decided, it's time, bub. Let's let's go ahead and go. We'll try this next weekend. Hey, Eric. No. No. No. Let me try this. I I gotta get this. I wanna do this.
And
I told him, he's like, well,
then do it.
And again, for about 5 minutes, he kept trying.
He kept trying. And then
I was like, alright, dude. Well, we've gotta go. And he's like, alright. One more time. So he actually then, he knew that he had a limit. He hit his deadline. He knew that he could only it was sink or swim time.
And so he leaned out there,
and he went down, and he leaned back like they were told him. And when it transitioned down the into the horizontal, he had leaned forward. And he the first time he went down, that's half pipe.
He did it and stayed on the board. Now he fell off once he because he didn't realize you needed to retransition,
do everything backwards and stuff when you go when tried to go up the opposite side of the half pipe.
But
he made it.
And he was tickled pink, and he was smiling from ear to ear. And I took another 45 minutes to finally get him off off that half pipe. He was he had gotten past that scary,
horrifying,
terrible
5 foot drop.
Everything in there was gonna be, you know, he was going from everything. He was gonna die to be an embarrassment.
He was gonna upset everybody,
and all the thoughts, all the irrational thoughts that a person could possibly have.
You know, was going through his mind. You could see
every scenario he could possibly think of
to keep him from being able to go down was rolling through his head.
And
he finally
the desire to make that step
beat out. It bust through that layer those those those layers of fear and dread.
And that was all because
he was overthinking.
And that's what we all do. We all overthink. We overanalyze.
We have a paralysis by analysis is the common way of putting it. It's we want to get something done, but we think of every possible way that it won't work.
Why won't it won't work? Well, it's because of this, this, this, and this, a, b, c, and d, and that's only if e, f, and g
are not ready. And if a, e, f, and g happen to come across as too soon, then we know that h, I, j, k, and l are gonna wipe us off the earth face the earth. And, you know, all these different bizarre, just out of the blue, there's no way you have no proof that anything like that's gonna happen,
and people worry about something like that happening.
And so they overthink it.
So
and now I understand why we have the fear because it's an unknown.
Again, that is your your as I mentioned before, the amygdala going, dude, dude, you're there's gravity there. Gravity works, dude. You're gonna fall. You're gonna hit your head on the on the on the floor. You're gonna bust it open. You're gonna think of all these possible excuses that could possibly happen. You're gonna break your tailbone. You're gonna bruise the butt muscle. Whatever possible thought
that you could possibly have on going down that little half pipe
is going to be something that he is that is gonna go through your mind. Why can you not, why do you not wanna start tennis? Well, I don't know how to play tennis. Well, have you tried taking buying a tennis racket first?
What do you mean? I I don't know what tennis what if I get the wrong type of tennis racket? We come up with these dumb excuses. And yes, the excuses are dumb because excuses are nothing more than lies that we're telling ourselves.
So how do you get past those particular barriers? How do you get beyond
the
the fear?
Well,
there's a couple
really good ways
to get past those spheres. First one is just to make a plan
and take the little bitty steps. And if you hit that barrier, you may have to take even smaller steps. So, yeah, you may be able to
climb up to the top. We'll keep with the with the half pipe analogy. You may one step may be grab your board. Alright. Got the board.
Get on, climb the top to the top of the half pipe. Alright. Climb to the top of the half pipe. Alright. Now put your board on the on the edge. Put your board on the edge.
Alright. Now
go down the the half pipe. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah.
Woah. I can't do that. Alright. Well, then let's back it up. Got your board on the on the edge? Yes. Alright.
Stand on the board. Alright.
Now lean forward. You know, you gotta take those little bitty steps
to
chop away
through that that fear because the fear can be strong. That is a very, very big motivating factor. The only other motivating factor that is even stronger is the is the motivating factor of the I'm going to be getting laid.
Alright? You won't you fixed and have you fixed and have Nookie. You will run across
a minefield with bullets as many bullets in as there was in Gallipoli,
and you will run across there with the sole chance that you may able to make it with a good looking chick. But you have to make a plan.
If you if it if you run into it and you run into that
wall of fierce back,
then
step back.
Make a plan. How can I get to there?
And try it. And guess what? You're gonna fail.
Jayden did. Alright. Okay. I've got a plan. I'm gonna try no. It didn't work.
Alright. Well, let's try this. No. No. No. It didn't work.
And the same thing's for you. You're gonna try. You're gonna lean forward. You're gonna try to do this. And no. No. No. It's not gonna work either.
So how are you how do you if you
how do you how do you get through there? Well, again, little bitty steps.
Also, set a goal and be again,
you're gonna be have to be okay with starting multiple times. You're gonna have to try and try again and try again because you're gonna start that goal and, oh my gosh, it's not working.
Alright. Step back. Step back. Alright. Let's let's reset.
Start again. Okay. And let's try to go down that half pipe again.
Alright. Let's should I try with a bunch of bubble wrap on there? Alright. Well, that works except for you can't bend your legs. Well, you gotta bend your legs. You gotta keep your you gotta keep your balance low. Alright? So you gotta try all these different
different variables
to see if you can actually make it up and down the
up and down the the
the the path the half pipe.
If you're still running in a problem, the
best thing to do after that is to find someone who's done it before you
and talk to them.
Hey. I am just I cannot hey, Tony Hawk, man. Come here. Man, I'm I'm trying to get myself to go down this little 5 foot tall half pipe. And every time I lean out forward at I I just I can't do it. I can't get myself to go down that dip. Tony Hawk, do you have any idea on how to do so? And he will have a lot of clues because he's already been there. He knows how to do the McTwist and and do 7 eighties and, you know, all the other really cool, you know, 50 50 axle grinds. He's he's got it all down.
So he can he can help you with little fine tune pointers and will
understand that. Well, I'm gonna get hurt. He's gonna go, dude, you're gonna land on your butt. You've got more muscle on your butt than you do on any other part of your body. You're not gonna get hurt.
You've seen me. I've landed from you know, I've gone 12 feet up in the air and came down and smacked the
the the the ramp before.
And that right there shows what the next what the 3rd
and 4th,
possibilities
on how you can get past that are.
First one is get a coach. You call me up. You set up a time. We'll set the and we'll set and we'll talk for 2 hours and figure out a way to get you past whatever fear or at least figure out where that fear is coming from.
It may be that it's something from the past, and if that's that's the case and you have got some
overwhelming
or some type of childhood, I'm gonna call it trauma,
or,
something that happened in your childhood that is causing a lot of fear,
then
there might be a time there might be a point where I have to kinda say, you know what? This is something that a therapist would be more more
inclined to do. Because coaches
and therapists,
though they can, on the surface, look almost the same, were complete 2 completely different characters. Therapists help with the past. They help you understand
what happened in the past and how that affects you,
while coaches
take you from your present day and have you look forward.
So and if you're needing a coach and a therapist at the same time, that's great. Hey, dude. You've got you've got all bases covered.
But, you know, go out and get coached. If that still doesn't help you and you're you're still
you've got your your goals set and and you're just it's just not happening, then you may wanna join something like the conclave of men where we actually all all of us get together once a week, and we talk about
how to succeed.
I may be having a problem or you say you're having a problem going down the half pipe. Well, guess what?
We may have someone who's done the half pipe multiple times, and he can actually be that person you talk to.
He can throw some tips to you, and we can then be there
to hold you accountable to make sure you go down the
down the, the half pipe like a person should do and not on their face, which is, you know, how I normally go.
But those are
4 ways that you can
drive through that fear.
But the big key to any of that is realize that you are afraid and understand where that fear comes from. If that if you could if you can kinda pay attention to why
and what thoughts go through your head because so many of us, we have 60,000 thoughts a day
go racing through our head. So if you could pay attention to what those thoughts are,
especially when you're trying to do that hard thing, what are those what are those what ifs that are that are flashing across your face?
If you can see those and you can
analyze those yourself, you help out you could help yourself get past those those what ifs,
that fear that you're having a lot easier.
So
that's how you,
that's why you can't just go out and do it. Then you go for your for your 15 year old
boy that's inside of you. You can get a good giggle.
But
you can
start. You can get yourself going. You can make that leap. Make that big leap as Gay Hendricks'
book says.
You can make the changes
in your life that you want. If you want
a great way of being able to get out and be able to make the changes,
make some really radical shifts in your in your mindset,
man, I've got a I've got a camping coach that's coming up. It's first off, your mind you're gonna have a little bit of a digital detox because we're gonna be kind of out where hardly any cell signal's happening.
And
there's gonna be a combination of of coaching
and masterminds
all in one
that is gonna help you to
break through whatever mindset,
limiting beliefs,
and and
problems that you're having that are bind keeping you from being the man that you wanna be. We help you become the the leader of the of your family. We wanna be able to dress and help with the with your mind, body, soul, and community. And these are all the 4 pillars that to make a man whole and help him relax
and become the relaxed male.
So if you are interested in that,
you can go to relax mail dot com, and across the top, I've got coaching,
the conclave of men, and live events listed there. I also got the blog and the podcasts and all that. If you are liking this podcast,
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If you are wanting to be part more of a community,
go over to, relax mail dot com forward slash Facebook. That'll take us over to take you over to your the Facebook page,
forward slash iTunes or not it yeah. Well, forward slash iTunes will take you to iTunes,
forward slash, Twitter. I mean, I've I've got you covered. I've,
come by and and hit me up over on, on the Facebook page. That's where I do most of my talking. I'm playing around a little bit with with,
TikTok. I haven't figured that thing out yet.
Very distracting with all the girls.
So,
anyhow, y'all take care of yourselves, and, man, I appreciate you listening, and we will talk to you next week. So, man, till then, stay productive,
and it'll be just a wonderful week.
Bye.