Unknown: One of the more important things you wanna know when trying to repair
a problem is what caused that problem in the first place? We're gonna be talking about how do we keep breaking the connection with our wife. These are some common ways that we,
as just through our day, unintentionally
create
disconnection
with our wife, with our family, with anybody around us, but these are mainly focusing on our wife. And we're gonna be talking about that this week on episode number 228
of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male,
a show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can
live their life on their terms.
Join the host of certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Hey, man. Hello. And welcome to relax mail. I'm your host, Brian. I'm a certified men's coach who assist men who are just neck deep in the suffering of the lives.
Men who are just going through things like divorce or struggles within their in their
job.
We we have our these problems. We have issues that come up from time to time. And a lot of times, the the roadblocks we see are roadblocks only because that's what we view them as. That's what we think of them as. And I go in and I help men
examine what their thoughts are and change those thoughts. Just tweak them just a little bit
so that all of a sudden, that big old scary wall
is actually a sidewalk,
and it's just as smooth as can be. And it's a great way of
being able to
go through life to see that
the scary plate stuff isn't all that scary. It's actually a really good,
good option to to look at. And so this is kinda what we're doing. This week, we're actually talking about
ways that you can
that we get in our cell get in our own way when we're wanting to reconnect with our wife. Our we
have a connection that
we're working on, but yet, for some reason, it still doesn't seem like it's going anywhere.
And a lot of times, it's because we
do things to repair the connection,
reestablish
connection, to reconnect with our wife.
And then
just 5 seconds later, we turn around and we
end up just
severing, undoing all the all the works that we just done.
And so one of the the reason that we keep doing this is because, again, we live our life through very unintentional way of living.
And to actually open up and start examining and paying attention to what your thoughts are, what your why you're getting angry at something, getting frustrated at things,
These can actually
help you get around to being a better
husband for your for your spouse.
How do what what's causing this? And because one of the best things to do is when it comes to
knowing what you need to fix, you need to know how you wound up in that hole in the first place.
And to think that, you know, it always just appeared out from underneath me. I mean, yeah, you can have a sinkhole just crop up, but what caused the sinkhole? There are
there
are circumstances that have led to circumstances or events and
and actions that lead to what is what we're facing at the moment.
And so this is where
if you want to take an action, if you wanna change
a circumstance, if you wanna make a circumstance better, alter it,
you gotta know what's causing that circumstance.
Me and the wife aren't, don't have a good connection. Well, that would be a thought about the fact that you and the wife aren't talking.
So why is it that you and the wife aren't talking all that much? Well, there's several different aspects about that that can actually
be
a be a clue. But I do want to before we jump into here,
I do wanna point out that what I'm talking about is really
easy for you to fall into the victim mindset.
Alright? You know I'm not a big fan of the victim mindset. The victim mind
is one of no respect of defeat, of of being just an absolute total loser. And I know that you're one. You're not a loser.
We are just being
we're essentially being in a in a word or 2, cock blocked by our own brain.
So don't fall into the victim mindset. When you're going through stuff, you're trying to figure out what the root of the cause is.
You're gonna wanna jump in there and go, well, she doesn't she's not trying. Well, she's, she started it. She's just she's just, you know, she's frigid.
Things along these lines, she never liked the marriage to start with. And even if she went off and said something very similar to that or that very thing to you
to your face,
She's just sharing a thought. Because if she actually didn't want to be around you, she would have divorced you. She would not have been
gotten married to begin with. But yet, here she is. She is married.
So we have we wanna make up these excuses. We want to play the victim because it is easier.
And we're gonna talk about playing the victim mindset here a little bit later on. But right now,
if you can stand
tall and you can fortify yourself and stand to look in the mirror and see what is it that I have done to cause this
marriage
to stall.
You're going to own that power. You're gonna own
the ability to make the changes.
She doesn't have to change for you.
She sees you change. She's gonna wanna start changing.
This is a thing called the law reciprocity.
If you give to her,
you don't have to expect anything in return. She can't help herself. She's gonna wanna return the favor.
That's law of reciprocity. It's also known as the 100 zero principle.
And I've got, links to that
in the show notes.
Because
whether you believe it or not, whether
the feminist in the world want to try to scream and holler about it,
You are the leader of your house.
You're not the boss. A lot of people get that wrong. You're not the boss of the house. Neither would you, nor the wife are the boss. You may joke around and call her the boss, but it's
y'all are actually
level. Y'all are even with each other. That's
that's the big sense that a lot of folks
misunderstand
about what marriage is. Yes. You are the head of the household,
and your wife is the neck,
but y'all still
are part of the same body.
Y'all are part of the same
body.
So she does actually look to you for guidance,
as same as you look to her for direction.
But for any of that to work and before it to work well and properly,
you do have to have a good
trust with each other, and that trust comes with a good connection.
So what are some ways that you end up blowing up your your
your relationship with your wife? How do you end up taking
any and all
connections that you have and throw them out the window? And some of these, you may do. Some of these, you may not.
Some of these are going to be
you've done it one time or another. I know I have done all of these
more than once.
And, yeah, we struggle
with, with
getting our marriages right.
Me and my wife, we are still
working to make sure that we have a better connection.
We struggle
to have that better connection.
So what is it what are some of the things that I have done that I you probably have done too
that has
sacrificed your your connection? First off, being a know it all
is is a big one.
Your wife is,
when your wife is talking to you, you've had teenager if you've had teenagers, you've heard this. Hey. Don't forget to get,
get your, you know, your clothes off the floor. I know. And you go off and and do other things.
Stating I know
like that does not help with connection. It actually is just it it's like
but, it's a little nicer way of saying shut up. I'm doing my own thing.
I know does not help
any type of situation,
but also
choose to go off and try to state how smart you are
even to your wife. Because one, she's gonna see right through your BS every single time.
But when she's talking and you decide to talk over because you've got a solution or you've got a, a
a an answer to whatever it is she's doing,
that doesn't help either.
We
we we wanna go back to where our
our old style,
of talking back when we were in 5
we were 5 years old or so. Don't talk.
Don't interrupt other people. Don't talk unless it's time for you to talk.
These are
not hard to do, but when a lot of times, especially folks like me who are,
if I don't say you what I'm thinking right away, I have I'm running a chance that I might forget about it or the the impact of what I'm saying won't be as great is that's actually the biggest fear that I have is that if I don't see it right now, I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna look like an idiot because I'm said something,
you know, 15 minutes after the topic's already died off and has
migrated to a different solution.
We're these are the things that we we wanna worry about,
but they're not important.
If it's if you wanna be
able to remember something
and without having to interrupt somebody, walk around
a pad of paper and a pen and just go ahead and just write it down.
State it
on the paper
so that when the comment
the combination
the comment need for comments comes back up,
you can actually comment on it. And you may have to say, well, hey. About 30 minutes ago, you said such and such and so and so, and here's what I think about this. And you can actually
reply to stuff in old time. It may seem a little or feel a little weird, but at the same time, you're okay.
Allowing your wife to be able to say what she needs to say is the very reason why you want
her to reply with the same type of respect.
If she's got something to say and you're saying something that really irritates her, she holds her tongue. You would like for her to hold her tongue
until you're finished talking,
and then she jumps in with whatever her 2¢ are.
We both can do this. It's two sided.
First person has to one of the person has to start doing it. So why not just go ahead and start it with you? The next thing is,
are you being mister fix it? Trying to fix everything. The big problem with this is that she doesn't want you to fix anything. Unless she says, I can you help me fix this?
She actually requests
a fix. She your wife doesn't want anything fixed.
Why she tells you all the
details that she's given you about her day, about her visit with her mom, with, whatever's happening in her friend's life, whatever it is,
she's not telling it to you
so that you could be Superman, go out, and save the day. Alright?
She doesn't care for that.
She doesn't want
knight in shining armor, man. She wants husband.
And why women share
their the details in their life like they do,
is because that's how they connect.
They want to have
a connection with their with their husband.
They wanna be able to share their life with their husband.
And so they share all the little minute minuscule
details that just or you're like going, really? Oh my god. What does this have to do with the price of rice to China? You know, this is all the stuff that you we kinda as guys, we sit there and just kinda, oh, god. Really? And we're talking about this crap again.
Yes. Because it's important to your wife.
If it's important to your wife,
it needs to be a little higher level
than what it currently is in your mind.
Instead of fixing stuff, letting her talk. Instead of fixing stuff,
asking questions, getting more details of it will help her actually feel like she is
you're interested in her world. Whether you are or not, whether she's you're interested in her world
and that you care.
Then that's the key point. Do you care
about what you do? What you're saying?
If not,
then you're, it's going to shine. It's going to shine through and you're going to be appear disingenuous, which is not gonna help the connection that you're wanting.
You want connection. You want a wife who thinks that sees you as somebody who cares about what she's doing.
Have that connection so that she can trust you
and
be able to love you.
And if you're running into a rescuer every time she has a little bit of an issue, you're going to you're gonna cause
more trouble than than solutions.
So stop trying to fix this. It's not about the nail
as that video goes.
The nail's not that important. What is important is that you are there and you're sharing her life or she's here sharing her life with you, and you are sharing your life with her.
That's why you wanna talk more, and we'll be talking more about that here in a moment.
Another thing that we do is
having your phone out at supper,
whether you're out at the restaurant
or at the house.
You we often throw a fit about when our kids wanna have the phone out and and play around on the phone
while we're eating.
And many parents, and it irritates me. I'm sure it irritates you too, but you look around and you see little 4 56 year old kids who
they're got, got a tablet. They're just
flipping through it, kinda eating.
Yeah. You've
dumbified the child. The child doesn't know how to interact with somebody in public
unless they've got that tablet in front of them. You're the same way, man. With that tablet or in the case, most of us have a phone,
that little square
rectangular
box of glass,
plastic, and metal
is a dopamine machine, man. That thing gives you a hat dopamine and serotonin bumps just
to to to to to to rapid fire.
And that is
actually not the best thing because when we're sitting at the, at our supper and we're not having the best conversation, we're just kinda having like, how you doing? You bet yada yada. You got the topic of conversation.
Our brain starts going,
oh, dude,
this is boring.
Oh my god. What's happening on Facebook? Let's see what's on Facebook. And if you're not paying attention to what you're doing, you're hating.
If you're not paying attention to what you're doing, your hand's gonna go down into your pocket, pull the phone out. And
before you know it, you're thumbing through Facebook.
I've got a a
my wife has a friend who
is doing this, except she she goes through not just through Facebook. She bumps through Facebook. And and while everybody else is talking, she's just sitting there thumbing through Facebook,
going over
to Plenty of Fish or
or
some other datings app because she's single, and she's like, meh meh meh meh.
She's shopping
or something. She's always she's gotta have the phone stuck right in her face.
And
the only reason I know about it is because my wife complains about it all the time. It's like, gee, whiz. I can never don't ever know if she's hearing what we're saying, and she's done not part of the group. She's just sitting there on her side of the table, just thumbing her away.
She's gonna think the same thing about you if you've always got your phone stuck in your face. Alright?
There is no room
for connection,
for love, for respect,
for the conversations that grow all that
if you're not looking her in the eyes,
if you're not giving her the attention that she needs,
if you're not
on your phone,
you're able to provide more attention, more
more energy
to the the the whole
interaction.
If you wanna know how to
to fight
the the cell phone dopamine,
first off, turn it off. When you're gonna sit down at at a supper table, turn it off.
Leave it in the car if you're brave enough. I I know. There's some places where you can't
you have to leave the door windows down and and doors open so that people don't come along just randomly bust the the windows.
I get that.
And I so you probably don't wanna leave anything in the car.
But
if you can't leave it in the car,
leave turn it off.
Leave it set in my, you can have it set in with you if you want, but set it off to the side
face
down. So that one, you don't get the the light the screen coming on. It's not gonna attract your attention.
2, it's not gonna vibrate
because it's off. So it's not gonna distract you from your wife.
Have those conversations with her. Talk with her.
Learn. Grow on how to have a good conversation with your wife. It's a talent that you have to regrow if you haven't done it in a long while,
but it does
come about. So stop having your phone out at supper
or whenever you're talking with your wife. Set it face down off some place on the opposite side of the room if you're in the same house.
It helps you be have a helps you have a better
means of connection, a stronger, more pure connection.
Now through the years
of marriage,
you've been told
no when it comes to sex
many times.
More times than you'd really carry to count. And her excuses
are creative.
It's not like you have a
a bullshit
meter that you can state.
You know, there's
how do you prove
I've got a headache? No. You don't. You can't. So you just kinda have to take the excuse
at face value. I have an I have a headache. I mean, I get it. I I got told I have a headache so much that I actually
just about took my wife to, to the hospital thinking that she must have, you know,
some type of
of of brain problem going on.
Maybe she's got pressure building up, but maybe she's almost fixed to have an aneurysm. I don't want my wife to drop dead.
And as I was talking to you know, trying to find a an neurologist,
the doctor that I was talking to was, like, going
pointed out. I was like, that's a tough thing to to hear. That that is
there's not really a problem with her headache. She's just
trying to avoid having to wanna get naked for you.
And it's not that she doesn't want
sex with you. It's just that she doesn't have a reason to want to have sex with you.
You
when you
let
intimacy
slide, it becomes easier to avoid intimacy.
And so
through years years of us
being told it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too rainy, it's too sunny, it's
too cloudy, it's too it I've got a headache. I've,
the kids have been on my nerve. I'm too tired. I I've,
you know,
I've got I'm I'm that time of the month. Any any of the other reasons.
Eventually, us guys, we kinda stop wanting to ask.
We kinda stopped. It was not that we stopped wanting to ask. We just stopped asking.
I remember
20 years ago,
I made the resolution of, know what? If she wants it, she can ask for it.
Not knowing what I know now
that the more you
you don't have intimacy,
the easier it is to not have intimacy.
I was I shot myself in the foot
quite
expectedly.
Now knowing now what I know now.
And one of the problems that we run into is, eventually, we turn to porn, guys.
And porn is just like Facebook
in that it is easy
to get a dopamine hit, to get what you're wanting. You wanna see boobs. You wanna see cooter. You wanna be able to get your rocks up. Boom.
Easy thing to do with with porn.
It's so easy. Just type in a couple of letters in a in the search box.
Boof. Voila. You've got any and all porn available
in varying degrees of legality.
We want sexual gratification. We would prefer to have our sexual gratification for a wife, and we will go into a tailspin trying to figure out what the problem is. And we always look in the wrong place,
thanks to porn.
How do I know?
Go to any corner
convenience store.
And in the cheaper part of town, the the more this is more evident.
Look and you will see extends. You will see every type of possible
sex pill that there is. I'm gonna call them a sex pill. I don't know what the hell you actually you'd actually call, but enhance male enhancement
possibilities.
Thinking that if where our equipment was just a little bit bigger, maybe that's what she's needing. Maybe I'm just not able to satisfy her. Well, the truth. You're not satisfying
her. You're not satisfying the right part of her. No. It's not we again, we're we're wanting to look at our world as if she is a guy,
wants sex all the time. No. Women don't want sex. If if anything, women really don't like sex that much.
They do like it. I mean, they will because they do have it. We're populated. We have a population of, what is it, 8,000,000,000
people now?
That's evident that women do like to have sex, but if they have a choice
of getting naked
or watch a television show,
or
walking around the block, or doing anything else,
they kinda will choose the anything else.
And it's not because they don't like sex. It's because they don't have the connection with you that they want to have to feel safe enough so they will get naked for you.
And when you are on doing porn,
when you're watching porn and you're blogging the dolphin, you're getting all that
masculine sexual energy
out of you. Yeah.
It's got I think it's, what,
something about Mary where, one of the character says, well, you've gotta you gotta beat off, so that you
don't act like a man so much. You start acting more of a woman. You start relaxing.
And there there's an element of truth in that because you lose the masculine energy. You stop seeing
the flirtations that your wife is doing with because, hey, you don't need to get your ox off anymore. You've you've had
you just you went off and and and, burped the gherkin.
You know?
It's it it doesn't
it it takes your it's not a high priority, so it takes your attention away from the need of your wife
saying something slightly suggestive
to test the waters because she's not gonna say it go out straight out and say it. I don't know why we don't talk about sex as much as we we can, but for whatever reason, we don't.
And so we keep missing each other like 2 ships in the night.
One of them is because you're
addicted to well, not addicted. I'm not gonna say addicted because there is no addiction in porn.
There is no such thing as addiction
at all, but
you have a habit
of using porn
instead of turning to your wife and going, hey, baby. You wanna go, have some fun?
Because you would rather
it's easier
to not face the no of I don't feel like it right now.
The it is easier to not be faced with the pain of knowing that you have not had the connection with your wife you wanna have.
So instead, it's easier to pull up
Debbie Does Dallas or whatever show, whatever movie, whatever clip from that movie you wanna sit there and watch.
Stay away from the porn if you want a better connection with your wife.
You can
drop the porn habit.
You have to pay attention to your thoughts, but you can
drop the porn habit.
If you wanna know how, go to relaxmail.comforward/coachingoffer,
altogether one word, and we'll talk from there. Now another way that we
destroy our connection
is
when we play the victim.
Anything, if you know anything about me, cannot stand the victim.
The victim mindset
is
a plague upon our society.
Our the victim mindset keeps us playing small. It keeps us from
taking strides because we give up and abdicate all our power to somebody who doesn't even realize they have the power over us, and they just and they do their own thing, and then that pisses us off because they're not even trying
to to
take advantage. In fact, they are they are the lords over our very being.
And when it comes to
why our wife
doesn't have any connection with us,
our victim mindset
will accentuate that every time. Because when you're a victim, you don't you don't earn any respect.
You are be you are disrespectful
when you are playing the victim.
Oh, woe is me. My wife doesn't like sex or, you know, doesn't want me, doesn't like anything I do, doesn't, you know
Well, have you tried to change her mind?
Have you tried to make a better connection? Because you're not going to try to connect with her when you're feeling like a little weenie.
Alright? Stop playing the victim.
That's
goes with every man who ever struggled with having a good connection with his wife. They all
are playing the victim one form, fashion, or another. That playing the victim part is why you would rather say, well, she's just frigid. She can't help it. No. It's not that she's frigid. She just doesn't
doesn't have the connection
that you would that she needs to be able to have sex with you.
Another thing that will destroy a connection is when y'all are talking
and
you don't believe what she's saying.
She's just starts describing an event, and all of a sudden, you're like, oh, well,
really? He would do that? I don't know if he would do it like that. Start arguing with her as to what she says. Now I'm not saying it's
to never argue with your wife. There's nothing wrong with having a discussion with your wife.
But when it comes to especially when she is talking about
how she's feeling,
dismissing that
is the biggest
one of the biggest, not the biggest, but it's one of the biggest reasons that we have disconnection
in our marriages.
I don't see it that way. I don't think you I don't see how that's possible. Well, it's possible. It happens. It's the way it goes.
Alright?
Not believing
what you're what she says. Dismissing
her emotions, her feelings, her,
her experiences
out,
sight unseen,
says that you do not give a rip about her.
One of the ways you can reverse that is using the 4 pillars of effective communication,
and that is
a means by
that is put together by,
emotionally focused,
therapists,
like Tony Overbay of the Virtual Couch. He talks about what the
the effective communication
how to have effective communication.
And that is the 4 pillars of for effective communication is
to
is assume
good connections.
So assume that your wife did not wake up to go off and just completely piss you off right off the bat. Alright? That was not her goal when she woke up. She did not wake up going,
I'm gonna piss him off today.
Now don't send the message again. I get this is goes with what you're what I was just saying. This is the the key point. Don't send the message that you're wrong or I don't believe you.
Even if you think the other person is wrong and that you don't believe them,
don't state it out loud.
Stay present. Lean in to what they're saying
and ask
questions.
Ask questions, ask questions, and ask more questions
way before you ever decide to make a comment.
Seek first to understand before being understood.
When you can get that little habit down,
you'll make you'll make your communications
a lot stronger. You'll have a better connection with your wife.
Another real deal is
event that happens is when you start become just apathetic,
when you don't give a crap, when you have when you get to this point,
you're
way deep in possibility that your marriage is gonna fall apart. And that's just one of those sad parts that sometimes it happens. Sometimes people just realize
a little too late in in life.
But
you can turn
the your
response, your actions
to these to the,
to the circumstance.
You can change that around. You can stop being apathetic.
You can stop with the apathy that it's, you know, it's not even worth trying.
You can start trying.
Well, let's reverse everything?
Possible.
But if you start seeing that you're
not caring about what it is, she's your wife is doing.
Another thing to
not do is stop letting date night slide. Alright?
Yeah. Life's gonna happen. There's gonna be times that
Friday night, date night is just gonna have to be put on hold.
Wife's sick. You're sick. Kid's sick. Babysitter's
sick.
People get sick.
You have a, have something that you have to do in
in another town. There's gonna be times when date night came happen, but
change
that as soon as you can
when you get back home.
Make sure that next fall on Friday night,
you get something date night wise, whether it's a stroll in the park,
maybe you're just too y'all have gotten too much,
going on, not enough money coming in, so you can't afford a big lavish
supper.
Go out and at least
go walk,
hold hands, reconnect.
That's what's
some of the more important items.
Being vague.
Your wife wants you to wants to connect with you. She wants to be a part of your life. She wants to be a part of
of your world,
and she wants to know what
what your day
partook in.
So to do that,
you've got it to be give more details. You've gotta stop being vague about what's going on. When you show her
when you're being vague in your answers, you're being secretive to her. And a woman who gets gets worried about
her man being secretive,
they're she's gonna think the worst is about to happen, that you're running around on her or or what, and that you're get you're getting ready to go, so she's gonna start pulling away. All because
you didn't go into detail.
Stop
being vague.
Another one is stop manipulating your emotions. Got nice guys. This is about you. Alright? I am pointing my big old fat finger right in your face on this one.
Stop trying to manipulate her emotions. Yeah. You don't like that she's angry at you. Build a bridge. Get over it. She's not going to like it
even more
if you try to manipulate her emotions. If you try to make her happy, you try to tell her, oh, you this is nothing to worry about. Well, you're invalidating
her emotions.
Again,
you're you're being apathetic.
You have to stop
trying to
invalidate
what she's feeling. If she's angry, she's upset, she's sad, she's whatever,
accept that.
Accept that that's how she's going to feel,
and that you don't have to feel
concerned
worried about, you know, what that means to you.
Alright? Because that's all you're doing. You're making her emotions
mean something to you. And it what does it mean? It just means that she's mad. Alright?
She's mad at either you. She's mad at the dog. She's mad at the kids. She's mad at her dad. She's mad at her mom. She's mad at somebody. She's mad at God. Who knows what she's mad at?
But
there's nothing you can do about that. Okay? You try to
take her away from being mad about that.
She all you're doing is just turning her anger towards you.
You're trying to connect with her by pissing her off. How much sense does that really make? You know?
So so stop trying to manipulate the emotions, except
sit sit down, talk with her. If she doesn't wanna talk, okay. Don't force the matter.
Another
item that will cause disconnection is the fact that y'all don't talk.
Again, that's kinda as it starts falling in with the the apathy.
But when you stop talking,
that's when the marriage really starts to crumble. That's when
roommate syndrome
really
sets its teeth in
in the, in the old ass end of your of your relationship.
And when y'all stop talking,
y'all are gonna start drifting part
even further.
Not spending
intentional
time with each other is another
item that will come about
and
disrupt the connection that y'all have. And this is
living intentional life, living intentionally with each other. Hey. Let's go for a walk at 6 o'clock. Schedule your time if you have to.
If y'all haven't done it in a while, then this is a good way to exercise
that those those,
muscles
because
it takes
effort to live intentionally. It takes effort to live the life that you wanna live.
And when you are
not scheduling your life,
you're gonna let anything else come about. So schedule and when you were dating, y'all scheduled.
You scheduled, hey. Was we're gonna go on date night Friday night at 3 o'clock. See you there, in the afternoon. We're gonna spend the rest of the evening out out and about. Get ready for it, kid. We're gonna have a good time.
That type of stuff. But also
scheduling sex, which sounds I know it's like, oh, but it's supposed to be this impromptu, beautiful thing. Says who?
It would be fun, but there's obviously, you've seen y'all aren't having sex, so you need to start trying
to at least
intentionally try to have sex.
When you stop having
intentional
time together,
you're gonna find other things to do, and the marriage will eventually start to crumble. Another thing is being an emotional childhood.
This is
you running around saying,
she should be making me happy.
No. How is she supposed to do that, man? How is she supposed to make you happy? You don't even know how to make yourself happy,
and you're taking the controls and throwing them over to her. Well, you know what I mean? I just wanna be able to have have whoopie a little more often.
Then tell her that. Again,
you've gotta start intentionally saying, hey. I would like to, you know, how about next Friday? You and me get naked. You know? Find a way. Get used to talking about sex with your wife. Of all people, you should be able to talk sex about is your wife.
I know, guys, we don't like to talk about sex. That's fine. We have our own personal hang ups,
but we're going we need to have those conversations.
But when we're being in emotional childhood, we sit there sit around and whine and cry that everything else is happening to us. It's throwing us into that victim mindset,
and we're not getting what done what needs to be done,
which is having
a good,
wonderful,
beautiful,
fulfilled relationship.
Another reason
is
using your wife as a therapist. That is not her job, man.
I know society and all the,
the therapists out there like to go, oh, you need to be talk opening up and sharing your emotions with your wife more. No,
Dude, do not be sharing your emotions more with your wife.
It's not that you're not supposed to be emotional around your wife. You can be emotional. If something upsets you, you can cry in front of her. You can cry with with her. You can have your emotions.
But walking up to her going, well, the boss was mean to me, and I think I was felt really anxious the whole time. And I was just,
I
just emotionally vomit all over her. You're going to wear her out.
She needs
your masculinity
to be able to stay positive for you.
And the way she gets your positive masculinity
is by giving you her problems, her, during her day. This is why she need also likes to talk with
you. As you're she's talking. She's sharing her day. She's taking that emotional negativity and dumping it onto your head. And you're then turning around and going, okay. I'm gonna go talk to my guys. So
instead of using her as a therapist, use your other the men in your group,
Your
yours your your community,
your brotherhood of men,
turn to them
for the emotional support.
Let them help you out so that you can go back to your wife
emotionally positive with that masculine energy
so that you can actually have a good connection with your wife. If you're sitting there trying to just
dump on her and use her as your therapist,
she's gonna get tired of you, and she's gonna leave. And she is gonna shut the door, and you're never going to hear from her again because that's just not what women are meant to do. And if, a, you're doing any of this and you're trying to figure out how do I stop,
then, man,
best thing to do
is to take that next step.
I recommend I suggest you take the next step because that next step is given reaching out to me, going relaxmail.comforward/
coaching offer,
and we can sit down together,
and we will find a solution.
And I will help you as you
find that shortest route
from where you are to where you wanna go
and help you have a better
marriage,
all thanks to the fact that you're not
going around trying to fix everything. You're not
taking your phone out. You're not worried about phone. You're not worried about this, porn or and you're staying away from playing the victim. You're you start having better
communication skills with her.
You start having date nights, and those date nights are sacred to you and her. And y'all start talking and sharing each other's lives,
becoming very intimate
in the details and how y'all
display your love for each other
by intentionally spending time with each other
and realizing that you are an emotional adult and that you can. You're responsible for your emotions. You're she's not you abdicate
her or you
absolve her from any and all responsibility
of making you happy.
You stop being overly critical on things that she does because that's just what you're taking her actions to mean.
Start doing that, and you're gonna find your life is going better. Your life is going smoother. You're having a better time.
You can have that fulfilling life
all because you decided
to be intentional
with what you're doing in with your life, what you're doing with yourself and how you're thinking.
And will you do that
by taking that next step?
Go to relaxmail.comforward/
coaching offer.
We'll sit down and we'll have a discussion. We'll see how we can help each other
and
what the next steps actually need to be.
So if you're interested,
please go and we will see y'all next week.
So till then, guys. Thanks a lot. Catch you then.