Bryan Goodwin: We need to have better,
stronger,
deeper communications with Hawaii, and these are one things that we struggle. We try to
try to do
what needs to be done, yet where our fears and our anxieties get in the way, and it keeps us from
stepping into that
conversation
that we need to have, those conversations that we want to have. And because of that,
we don't get
the discussions we want. We don't get the conversations,
the deep
soul building
communication and and relationship
that we want from our wives.
So how do you have better deeper communications
with your wife? We're gonna be talking about that this week on episode 235 of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male,
a show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind
them. Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to the relaxed bell. I'm your host, Brian. I'm a certified men's coach who assists men who are just neck deep in the suffering of their lives.
These men are those who are struggling with their relationships,
trying to find a way to make their bride happy, yet
there they are still miserable
and still don't have a happy wife. How do you make your wife happy? How do you have a marriage that is full of love, peace,
harmony,
sex even, and and more. Well, this is what we're talking about. That's what we're working with on, in this particular,
particular podcast is how
do you have
better connection?
And part of the way that you have a better connection
is not just the actions, but actually being present with your wife, being present with her.
And
you gotta be able to have better, deeper communications.
And it's more than
just
going up to her and just doing a
emotional
dump on her. Alright?
Just laying all your emotions out on her and and all this
doesn't work because all you're gonna do is you're first gonna overwhelm her because
she's not meant to take all your negative energy.
Because men, we have a a specific
direction that we need to go.
That direction is that we start
with we take all the negative energy from our family, from our kids, from our wife. All the negative
happenings in their world,
they come to us.
They bring us their problems.
And then we go and we
with our interaction with other men, thanks to the the wonderful energy of masculinity,
we start
transforming
and converting that negative information, that negative thoughts, those negative
actions and and feelings,
we convert those back into hope and strength
that we bring back to our family. And so we have this little conveyor belt, this little sigh circle of life, if you will.
And
so many times we come up to our wife and and it's like, oh, how's your how's your day? And we just
because we've been told by people who don't who don't trust masculinity
as it is and think that thinks that everybody has to be feminine,
automatically says, well, you need to tell our tell your wife everything,
all your emotional problems, spill your emotions to her. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. Because she's not set to
bring those emotions,
bring all those heavy emotions, and all you do is, like I said, overwhelm her. She will lose
the the respect that she has for you because you're just
you're not being respectful. You're when you come and you become vulnerable,
she sees she's gonna see you as
being weaker. Now it doesn't mean that you don't share your emotions with your wife. If she asks, it's like, so what do you think about this? Well, I think it's think it's a bad idea. I personally it feels it feels wrong. It feels off. It feels feels dangerous. You know? Those are the types of of
times that you share. When she asks for the what the what you're feeling, then give it to her. But before then, no.
So why do we want to even have stronger connections? Well,
there's a lot of really good ones,
but the main one is
better conflict resolution.
When you can have
a discussion
and that discussion
be con
a type of conflict,
and you can resolve it without
one running away
or run one run-in the opposite direction or both y'all running away or both y'all
sitting there becoming anxiously attached to each other, you can have
a better connection. But the problem is is a lot of times,
one will have a discussion. 1 will come in going, hey. We need to talk about this, and the other one goes, alright. Well, we're I'm not gonna do this. I am not comfortable having this discussion. I can already tell that she's pissed off or she's gonna go, well, I can already tell he's pissed off.
And
so let's just get this let's get this beating over with so I can get on with my day. And a lot of times, that's what they're gonna look at it as. Is this just gonna be some type of verbal
beat down,
and there's not gonna be anything taken care of. Because, 1, she's not engaged. If you're coming at her with a problem
and she is becoming avoidant,
she's just she's not going to be engaged in the discussion. She's just,
say what I can to get him done so we can go on.
I've been I've often been the anxious avoidant one, and wife comes, why you need to talk about something something something something something something.
Alright. Yeah. Okay. Sure. And,
and just say whatever I could to get her to just shut up so I could go on my about my day so I didn't have to mess with her
overwhelming emotions.
And this happens to a lot of us men.
And, sadly, a lot of the women too, they have the same issues. A lot of us are
anxious avoidant when it comes to conflict.
We avoid conflict at every possible way because,
1, we weren't shown that conflict is actually good for relationship,
and it is. That's that's the the weird part.
And when I say conflict, I'm not meaning,
like, World War 3 type of conflict where we're just taking everything and just there's bodies everywhere. No. That's not what I'm talking about. Conflict is just a disagreement.
If you disagree with maybe your wife is a Trump supporter and you're a Biden supporter and y'all
are going at each other, well,
that's
you're gonna have to figure out how to live with each other because
one's going to always be in the other's face about, hey. They're I'm doing we're our side's doing better.
Alright?
Here in Oklahoma,
you've got there's a lot of houses divided
bumper stickers because one the one's,
parent or one adult in the in the family is a is an OU supporter, while the other one's an OSU supporter. And during, bedlam time, there's it's just
you know, they divide up and they they have good
rivalry
with each other.
And you can have that. You can have
a disagreement
and become stronger
and love your spouse more because of it. So you want better conflict resolution. You wanna be able to have that conflict,
fight it out, and at the end,
be better for it. Because when you have stronger connection, you also have more trust.
You're gonna trust your wife a lot more. Your wife is gonna trust you a lot more when y'all have
the discussions,
when y'all have the the actual fights and the arguments.
And it's not where you think it's a life and death discussion. It's not a life and death fight to the end.
It is just,
when are we gonna pay this damn bill?
We've gotta get the car paid. We've gotta get the house payment. So why are you buying an extra dress
when we haven't paid
for the,
for the house this month yet?
That's a important discussion to have. And when you have more trust,
when you have
a strong
ability to have conflict resolution,
you actually develop
more intimacy,
which is what we all want. So you want better, stronger connections.
So how do you
what is when I say a better connection, what am I meaning?
And how do you have that better connection? Well,
a better connection is just the ability
to be
with your spouse,
and you can actually
say what's on your mind.
And you're not going to
run screaming for your for your man cave, or she's not gonna go,
run out to her she shed, or and y'all are just going to avoid each other because, you know, I don't wanna have that hard discussion. It's it's scary. Well, that's why you don't have the sex that you're having. That's why you don't have the relationship that is full of peace, love, and harmony.
And that's because
what takes a better connection is, first, you gotta understand,
these conflicts aren't personal.
Her saying that
you chose a bad house
is just her thought about what the house is.
I hate this house. Don't take that personally.
That is just her thought. That has nothing to do with you.
That's just has everything to do with her the house. Alright? She doesn't like the house. She said she doesn't like the house. Alright. Fine.
The house is not liked
by her.
You may love it. The kids may love it. Everyone else around may love it, but she doesn't, and that's fine. You don't have to make it a battle to the death
just because she doesn't like something. And that's the other thing you wanna know is it's not a life and death struggle when you have a disagreement.
She doesn't agree with something.
Okay. She doesn't agree with it. You don't agree with something. Okay.
That doesn't mean that she's
that you're automatically kicked out of the,
out of the tribe.
No. You just have a disagreement.
Just because you you and him don't see eye to eye again,
doesn't mean it's time for a divorce.
And a lot of that's the problem a lot of people have is they go, well, he's not making me happy. He can't make you happy. You can't even make yourself happy, so how is he supposed to make you happy? Well, my wife doesn't make me happy. Again,
rinse and repeat, man.
You can't even make yourself happy. So how is your wife supposed to make you happy? How are those children of yours who are just trying to figure life out
supposed to be making you happy?
It's not their responsibility
for your emotional management.
It's not life and death.
And so stop trying to manage
the other person's life.
Stop trying to manage
their emotions
more specifically.
When you are managing the other person's emotions, that's where the manipulation
comes in. When you're manipulating somebody, the you're tear you're taking all those
little romantic connections, all those physical intimacy connections,
all the trust, and you're just wrenching it apart.
You're just tearing it, ripping it into pieces.
That's why us nice guys
are not nice guys.
A nice guy and an ass and and a jerk are 2 sides of the same asshole.
You have to stop going, well, she's gonna get mad if I don't do if I if I do this. Okay. She's gonna get mad.
Why are you
managing her emotions?
Well, if I don't, if I don't go off and do this, she's not ever gonna have sex with me again. Well, first off, you don't know that. You're not a prognosticator.
You do not see in the future, though you like to think you do. And, yeah, she may be pissed off at you enough to where she doesn't doesn't actually go off and and
have sex with you for the next couple weeks, but I'll let you in on a little secret. You're gonna live.
Mister happy's not gonna fall off. Your berries ain't gonna shrivel up into raisins.
You're gonna be fine with a couple weeks in of no nookie. And as a matter of fact, it might do you good
to go a couple weeks without nook. Go through that experience of not having it.
Experience
the boredom of not
having that sex
and find out that you're actually a lot stronger than you have than you think you are. Let your spouse have her emotions.
Let yourself have your own emotions.
Stop trying to manage everybody else's
feelings
and you'll be
better off.
The other thing is it's okay.
If you get upset,
she says something that that
gets you gets you riled up.
Okay.
Fine.
So what? You well, I'm mad. Okay. Fine. Be mad. I'm embarrassed. Okay. Fine. Be embarrassed.
It doesn't
mean anything. Nobody else is going to feel those emotions except for you. Allow those emotions to happen.
Stop trying to
resist
the feeling of being upset.
Now does that mean you fly into a rage? No. No. That's you acting in a in accordance to an emotion.
It feels stronger to be angry and throw stomp around and throw up throw a hissy fit. And the keyword is it feels better
too
as opposed to what?
It feels better than to be embarrassed. Well, maybe you want to be embarrassed. Maybe you should be embarrassed. Maybe being embarrassed is actually going to benefit you
by seeing that it being embarrassed is nothing.
All right. It is just a vibration you felt throughout your body
and know that while y'all are arguing with each other, that this will this is gonna blow your mind.
You're just sharing thoughts.
There's no truth in what you're sharing.
You may state
things as facts,
but they're still
just thoughts.
You never pay the bills. What? You really think that never? Is that really, really true? Really? Really? Really? Have I never paid a bill? You're always wasting money.
Really? You're
always coming home drunk.
Really?
You hear people accuse you and say you're always?
That's a thought. That's all it is. It's not
anything personal.
That's just what they're thinking.
Well, that she shouldn't be did you have no control over what the other person's thinking.
So
stop, step back,
breathe,
Then work on the 4 pillars
of effective communication.
Know that what she's saying, she's not saying it to get your goat. Alright? She's not out there. She didn't wake up this morning to say, I am out to I'm gonna make his life hell today. It's just at the moment,
it feels very life and death to her. And so she's fighting back. She's acting like it's very she's taken everything you've said
very personally,
and so she's lashing back.
You've said some stuff that she agrees with. She may not wanna fess up that she agrees with it, but she agrees with it.
And it pisses her off that you got that close to it. So how to communicate
and build a better communication level with a
with your spouse
is first. You might need to do a 5 by 5. If things are gotten really heated and, oh my gosh, the pressure's gotten insane,
Maybe you need to go. Hold up. Hold up. I'm gonna step away for a bit. Let's cool down and let's come back at this.
That way you disengage
the fight or flight, the fight part of the fight or flight, and you breathe. You engage your prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of your mind. Instead of trying to run around, throwing emotions around,
start trying to just throw actual intellectual thoughts around,
not just the panic thoughts.
Stop trying to be vulnerable with her. Because, again, like I said before, being vulnerable doesn't help the mat the situation.
She's actually whether she want she's a feminist or not, whether she realizes or not, she is actually looking to you for leadership.
And when you're standing around going to that, well, I don't know. If she's
if she's
not looking to you for leadership,
she's not respecting you. And so you've gotta find a way of being able to build up the respect. You've lost a lot. You've taken so many
withdrawals from the emotional bank
that
she doesn't have any faith in your credit.
So you have to start rebuilding
the credit with her.
Start adding,
depositing
trust,
and respect
into into the in the account.
If she asks how you feel, like I said before, if she asks how you feel,
tell her
how you feel
about the topic at hand.
Don't just sit there and verbally and emotionally vomit all over her.
You're gonna wear her out.
You're gonna frustrate her, and you're gonna make things worse. So how do you have these better connections?
When you realize that it's not personal, it's not a life and death struggle, you're going to and you're not managing each other's emotions.
You have no problem
with you being upset. You can sit in your own emotions
and be okay with it.
She can do whatever she wants to with her. You can't control her emotions.
You could control your emotions.
You understand that your spouse
and you, when y'all are talking
rather loudly at times, y'all are just sharing really loud thoughts with each other. So to build that better connection, you step back,
breathe,
and you start asking questions.
Understand
before
trying to be understood.
Understand what it is about
that circumstance
that caused her to go into that that reaction.
Why is it that when you come into the into up to the the discussion, the first thing out of your mouth was, well, I'm feeling really frustrated with this. Well, what is your wife supposed to do with that?
How is she supposed to I mean, is she supposed to when you say I'm really frustrated, she should want fall on your knees and give you a blow job or something? I mean, come on, man.
What is she supposed to do with the fact that you're frustrated?
There's nothing she can do. So maybe
the opening Volley
of a discussion
isn't about you.
Maybe it's the topic at hand.
Maybe it's,
hey. I wanted to see
where we're at, where we're standing on this budget. What is it that you think we need to do?
How can I help you have
reach the goals that we wanna have?
How can you serve
your wife?
Ask those questions.
Ask the questions.
Go to seek to be a to understand her before anything.
And then when she has you've come to understand what she's got. Okay. Fine.
Now you can voice what you're wanting to say.
And how she reacts to it is fine.
But at least you now know
why
she blows the budget every week,
or she is
always hanging out with that one friend you really don't care to hang for her to hang around with. Doesn't mean anything. It's just she's hanging out with a friend you don't like. Same as you hang around with friends she doesn't like. But at the same time, y'all are having those discussions.
You're coming to understand. You're letting her be heard,
and she's going to start letting you be heard because you're leading
by example.
You have to take the reigns of lead not not rip them out, but you have to take the reins of leadership.
You are the man of the house. You are the leader,
not the ogre,
not the tyrant. You're the husband. You're the dad.
You're the leader.
Leaders
help
everyone in the team
reach their ultimate potential.
Bosses
stomp around
and get pissed because someone's not doing it the way they think they ought to be done.
How do you have better connections?
You listen.
You're present.
You're not ho you're not dismissing.
You have better connections by actually
talking,
sharing your thoughts,
and accepting that they can take the your thoughts and do with them whatever they want.
It's not a dig against you again.
I want you to be I want babe, I want you to have,
I think we need to be having sex
twice a week.
Okay. You said it.
She's gonna take that manual
and make it mean something completely different.
She could take that manual and go, yep. Yep. Well, Wednesday I know that Wednesday nookie time is what he wants, but
we've got to I've got I got things to do Thursday morning. I can't be doing that.
We can have thoughts. We can have ideas.
And that is one of the
means of us being able to
to grow
and to become better is when we actually have these discussions with our spouse.
Have those discussions.
Don't shy away from
them. Keep yourself centered,
present. Don't go flying off the hook because she said something ludicrous and something that that caused you to feel
embarrassed or in
or ashamed
or short,
or or shortened your temper in some way
because
her thoughts were just I are just vibrations
formed by her throat and her mouth. She's she's vibrating the air
at certain at a range of frequencies.
And you're taking those range of frequencies
into your ear, and you're turning those into whatever you wanna make them mean.
Is that what she meant them to mean?
Probably not.
Especially if y'all
are bashing each other back back and forth against,
against
a
common problem.
You have to be able to talk
and go through the process of having these discussions, and it's gonna get messy. There's gonna be times one of y'all's gonna walk off and just be
matter to wet hen.
That's fine.
Let them process it. You don't have to come up to them here 5 minutes later ago. You're still mad at me? Yes. I am.
Fuck off.
Alright. Sorry. We have
the ability
to connect
by seeing our spouse as the human
being human. And when you allow your spouse,
your beautiful wife,
to be the human being that she is, you will find that your life
becomes better.
You'll find out that your your world
is is richer
because you actually
relaxed.
You weren't sweating all those real random emotions that were running around inside of you.
These are things that you can you can work on day in and day out. And if this is something you would love to be able to work on,
do it.
If you wanna be able to get this,
get further down the road even faster,
then you can take the next step. The next step is going to relaxmail.comforward/lovebirds
and seeing
how
we can work together.
See that
the relationship that you're in isn't
life and death. It isn't falling apart. It isn't horrible.
It is
your thoughts
of what the relationship
is.
Is the marriage really that bad?
Don't know. That's just your thought about it. Is the marriage going to be stronger before it?
Possible. I would think it is. The more you try and the more you work with
your wife,
the more you she's going the more respect and trust you build in her,
then, yeah, you're going to have a better marriage. You're gonna have a marriage where she actually laughs at your dumb jokes.
So you're gonna have those times when she actually has that little twinkle in her eye, and it's like, hey. We got 30 minutes before, before these kids show up. Why don't we, slip in the bedroom for a few moments? These things happen. You find
that inner peace within you
as you work on yourself. When you work on yourself,
you show
everyone else the amazing abilities that
are present.
And from there,
life becomes even better.
And I would invite you. I invite you to come over and go to relaxmail.comforward/lovebirds
and see how we can work together and see
how better
your marriage can be
after 3 short months.
So come by. Look, see, listen, hear,
learn, grow, and see how your wife responds to you after 3 months of work. After that, maybe do another 3 months
and
things become a little better. All you have to do is actually take the time to try. So, guys, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. If there was anything on here that resonated with you,
please take this this podcast episode and share it with your friends. Share it with the guys in your life, and let them know, hey. There is a
guy who is just struggling
in his marriage,
he just seems to he's got
this girl who, at one time, he
swore was just the most
amazing woman. And all of a sudden, she's just this bitch who's just
causing all these problems,
making his life miserable. Maybe we can change that around. Maybe we could find a way to help.
All we have to do all you have to do is share. Share it out on Facebook or on Twitter or on Instagram. Take a screenshot, post up on Instagram,
and tell people what it is, and just tag me in it. You go to
tag I'm over real,
on Facebook, the relaxed mail, altogether one word.
Relaxed mail over on Instagram, relaxed mail on on Twitter x,
whatever. I'm on most of the,
popular places and some places like StoryFire
that I'm just now getting on there. And I'm just figuring it out and trying things out. And it's it's kind of a neat little place,
but I'm around. You can find me if you look. I try to be try to get as many of the areas covered as I possibly can. Knowing that it's impossible, but I'm you know, you could throw stuff up on Mastodon, and I'll see it. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you. Y'all have an amazing
week,
and, we will see y'all next Thursday because sorry. This last last Thursday didn't happen because, well,
I was, we had our 4th July celebration. I was in, Emerald that whole time. And,
yeah, I got home in time to pretty much just get ready to go to bed, and, we also had a, problem with our car. So
it's it's,
things are things are running a little rough at the moment, but I'm still showing up when as I can and when I can. And, yeah, last week didn't happen. One of the few times I didn't quite get a podcast episode out, but that's okay
because I am still here.
I still got a pot I still got a blog post out, and and I'm getting,
we're getting this podcast,
out.
And, so, yeah, we're if things are going, things are going good. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thanks so very much for listening, and till next week.
Bye.