I'm in. I know we we love our wives. We love our wives
dearly because,
I mean, they picked us out of all the the sea of
better options. Somehow,
your wife picked you.
And so
we wanna
adore our wife, but yet we run into the problem of setting our wife way too high up on a high pedestal,
and then things start going wrong.
So this week, we're gonna be talking about
why taking your wife off the pedestal
actually allows her to love.
This is The Relaxed Male,
a show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach, Brian Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them. Hey, man. Hello, and welcome to the Relax Mill. I am your host, Brian.
And today, we're
doing a, doing a few,
a few things little differently.
Today, I am,
we're going live on 3 different platforms this time. We're doing not only,
YouTube, going live on YouTube. We're also live over on TikTok. And then because we are a podcasting 2 point o,
compliant
podcast, we're also going live through pod some of your modern podcasting apps like,
Podcast Guru, Fountain,
and Podverse.
So if you are interested on in any of that, you can go to to
new podcast apps.com
and
and be able to choose a a podcast app that will allow you to do several different things besides for seeing our,
our pod roll. You also get some of the great items like,
the live,
being able to be alerted as to when things go live. As soon as we hit the live button 30 sec about 90 seconds after that,
they the you get a, get a notification
that we're,
live and and lit, and so we're we're here.
So
still trying to work on that late intro. That one's that was a little off the cuff and a little rough. So, yeah,
we're talking about taking your wife off the pedestal today.
Why do we wanna do that? Because, you know, we we love our wife. We love the fact that she picked us.
So
why
why do we want to, wanna take her off the pedestal
and and and not adore her as as much as we like? And there's a lot of reasons as to why, but the biggest one is just because
we want our wives to be able to love us too. And when we do not
let her
live her life the way she wants to live it, she doesn't have the ability to actually
love us
as completely as she wants to be able to do. She picked us out of the crowd of better looking guys. So to us to her, we are
worthy of her love and affection.
The problem is is that we set her
further away and up on this pedestal. So, 1,
yeah, we think we are are being
adoring for her, but at the same time, we're we're we're kinda shooting ourselves in the foot. So first off, wanted to kinda break things down and and explain what is a pedestal.
Why do we why is this pedestal so
so horrible? And the pedestal is just us having a lofty
view of what our wife is. We often do this with our dads. Remember, it's like, we all we we as kids, we would have arguments over whose dad could beat up who and whose dad could do whatever.
And then as life goes on, we though we have our father
on this lofty pedestal,
all of a sudden, he starts showing up human,
and he does stuff. And so now we walk around with this stuff called dad baggage, and we're throwing we we
often say our dad has,
ruined our lives, and, no, he did what he could with what he had.
It's not his fault. You thought he was a god.
He wasn't. He tried to
to live up to that,
to that
idea that you had, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't
maintain
that that lofty,
ideology.
And our wife is the same way. We do this if you're just dating a woman. We'll often put our our girlfriends on a pedestal too.
And when we put our our girl on a pedestal, we are we're we're limiting ourselves. We're limiting the amount of
affection,
love,
and adoration that we could have because,
one, we don't see we're not on the same level as her.
Now we've set her way up here,
and we we can't we can't reach her. We're holding her
essentially, we're holding her at arm's length
because we'd have no way of being able to be
as as grand
as we'd like for it to be. But at the same time, that's a long ways up. When we have somebody on a high pedestal like that, she's going to that pedestal
step is not that big, and, eventually, she's gonna mess up, do something wrong. She's gonna fall off. She's gonna fall from that grace, and it's
going to bruise your ego more than it's gonna bruise hers. It's going to damage
what you think of her, and
that's not fair to her. I mean, of all things, she she wants to just be on your level, and you
were and when she fell down, all of a sudden, you're looking at her like,
how dare you destroy my view of you? And so we're we we battle this this
this line of of thinking and the processing that goes in all because we didn't allow our wife,
our girlfriend,
how how however
you wanna look at it.
We don't allow them to
have the,
the life that they want, and they wanna be able to live just right beside us. Now, yeah, it feels like it's loving, but but it's not because we're
we're
isolating her. We're keeping her
from being able to enjoy
everything that
we are trying to provide. Yeah. We're bringing her, you know, flowers and gifts and showering her with all this, and
yet we
wonder when she falls, you know, why it it hurts so much. And, well, it's because that's a the pedestal seems gets taller
the more you adore her.
And so we have to you we've gotta find a way of being able to stop
adoring her and us nice guys. And, yes, I'm a recovering nice guy. So I have the ability to talk about the fact that us nice guys, we struggle
with keeping our our girlfriends
and our wives from
from being placed on that high
high step of a of a pedestal because,
I mean, I'm not worthy
of having the
the love that we are receiving from our wife. At least that's how we feel.
We're just like, oh, I'm just trying to we want to have that adoration. We wanna have the
the,
the the joy and the fulfillment that it that all that comes with,
but yet
we gotta remember it. Nice guys
are afraid of 2 things,
and that is our emotions
and other people's emotions.
When it comes to our emotions,
we get really uncomfortable
with people being
overly thankful.
We also
get,
really uncomfortable with people who,
get ex excessively angry. We would like to control that emotion and make it stay in just a very
narrow, comfortable band.
So
when our wife all of a sudden swings out of that band, all of a sudden, yeah, we're gonna be upset. We're gonna be have a
a response that
is pulling her off of her off of that same
lofty perch that we wanna have her on.
So when we put her on a per on a pedestal, one, she doesn't ask for it. So that pedestal
makes her uncomfortable. We're all of a sudden we've it's like
she is standing on top of a mountain with a bunch
of white hot lights shining on her with no clothes on, and
she doesn't want that. She doesn't want that type of
attention. Yeah. She likes to she enjoys being adored the same as us men like to be adored.
But to be just,
you know, so much so much
adoration
and and and worship of her
when she knows she is just trying her darnedest to be a be a human being, it's gonna make her uncomfortable. It keeps
you're keeping your wife at arm's length because, well, once she's high up but, also, she's uncomfortable,
so she can't open up to be able to accept you because she already knows she's human.
And that's there there's a there's a dangerous fall on coming over
when tumbling off of that off that pedestal.
So
even though we love her tremendously, we put way too much pressure on our wife.
And because we have that pressure on her, she can't connect to us as deeply as she wants to.
And we are keeping and like I said, we're keeping her at arms' length. We're not allowing her to come into our life
completely and fully.
So to to
be a a
a worshiper
of, a an adore of our of our wife
sounds nice, but it's not. We're putting too much pressure on her, and she's
trying her darnedest to live up to that to that
lofty height that you have set her to, though she knows she's not gonna be able to stay up there, and she's going to end up and she's afraid of the time she messes up. So she's
can't be herself.
She has to be
this amalgamation
of who she thinks you're trying to have her be
and who she really is,
and it comes out to be in this messy thing of a of a human being.
And so when she falls and we get upset because she has fallen, she has tumbled from grace, and now she's hit the ground, and we're upset the fact that she's you know, she didn't wasn't able to stay on that pedestal. She she failed in some way. All of a sudden, she got, you know, upset
and she snapped at you or she got up she you were thinking maybe you y'all would be able to to have a little nookie tomorrow night, and she's like going, uh-uh. We ain't doing this stuff. I'm I've got other things I have to do. You know?
She's got her hopes and her dreams that she wants to try to fulfill,
and they're
against what you're wanting.
So what do you do? You end up having this
this meltdown
of ideologies, and so you start causing so much,
so much stress on the fact that
your relationship is based on
a false premise.
That premise being she's supposed to be this angelic being, and
the angelic being is not hanging around like you hoped she would. She is
all of a sudden, she has
got her own problems. She's got her own hang ups, her own own issues. And
how do you how do you handle that? How do you how do you fix
that little problem? Well,
you actually have to let her come off the pedestal.
You actually don't even try to put her on that pedestal to begin with.
Let her be her e be the equal. Allow you each other to
coexist,
not to be codependent
because that makes that's, that's what happens
when you are you have her on a on a pedestal. She's having to look to you and be codependent on you, and that's where the all that, you know, the
the the hurt feelings and the and the the problems come from is because
she's waiting for you to affirm her
emotions, and you're waiting for her to affirm her emotions. And so y'all are waiting on each other, and nothing happens. And so we the tension and the and the hurt feelings just keeps building and building because you're not gonna talk about it. You're not gonna talk about the hurt feelings. You're not gonna talk about the let downs that you've had because, well, that's going to
reflect upon her, and she's going to
you're going to take away her sense of of being because
you're not talking.
And so you're you're letting stuff build and build and build and build until,
boom, you all of a sudden, you've got all this
all this problem
raining down upon you. You've got hurt feelings and and
and
resentments
and all the all all these feelings growing and and showering around you. And, yeah, why should she be on a on a pedestal when she's going to fall apart like that?
What if you were able to allow her to have
a better a better life
by just letting her be human?
What if you could accept the fact that she's going to want to do stuff,
and somewhere along the way, that doing whatever task she's decided she's done, she's gonna decide she's finished with it, and so she's gonna change and do something different. Maybe
there's gonna be times where, depending on the the period of her life, she may be just the the just the hottest
chick you ever knew in bed, and then out of nowhere,
yeah, all of a sudden, you've got a kid, and you're like, hey. You know, it's Thursday afternoon. We're normally used to doing our our our boinky boinky. Why are we not, boinky boinking? And
she's gonna go, because I'm tired. I'm dealing with your kid, and you're gonna have these arguments.
And so all of a sudden, your thought, and your ideology
of what your wife is
got shattered,
Or maybe she's used to
adoring herself upon you, and all of a sudden, something happens, and she's kind of aloof.
She's just not really showing that much. She's lost the love and feeling as you as they would say, and that's going to hurt.
But yet if you can accept the fact that she's going to be
a human being. She is a human
being human,
and we're going to we have to just accept the fact that we're gonna have these emotions
that come
in, and they're gonna not be always the nicest, wonder most wonderful emotions around. They're gonna be a little sloppy. They're gonna be a little messy. They're gonna be a little little,
And
when we do when we have the experience those emotions, we have that choice
of allowing just being there for for that emotion to to be.
We can
we can allow look at our wife and say, not you know,
have the have the questions of what it is she's feeling. Under come to the fact that we understand
why she has the emotions that she has.
Because if we don't and we just resent the fact that she's got those emotions,
we're just going to repeat the process
of letting the hurt feelings and the emotions build up until eventually we have another explosion.
And you're gonna do the same thing. If you're not sharing what your thoughts are,
what your concerns are with her because you're afraid of how she's gonna react,
because now we're not worshiping her anymore. We've now had the the
the drama
of her falling off the pedestal.
Now we can I can I actually share my my thoughts with her anymore? Because, you know, she's
she's just a human. What happens with that?
Well, she's going to have her human emotions.
And so, yes, she's going to let you down,
and you have to be okay with the fact that you're gonna be let down from time to time.
And that's
because you are
accepting
of the fact that she's gonna get mad at you.
She's going to
be turned off by you walking into the bedroom at the wrong time, trying to helicopter in front of her and thinking that usually it gets a laugh and she this time, she just rolls her eyes and says,
no.
You know, we're going
she stops taking care of herself all of a sudden. Now, you know, she's used to dressing up and looking nice, and you come home one day and she's in t shirt and a sweatshirt and baggy sweats, and she's her hair is not done. No makeup. And, you know, you're like, what the heck happened? Who who's the woman who's what looks has a striking resemblance to my wife? Well,
that's still your wife. But for whatever reason, she says she's not gonna take care of herself today.
You have to decide
how you're gonna react to that. You have those powers.
You have those abilities
that ability to emotionally
adapt
to what the circumstance
is.
And so you have to accept the fact that she is a human being, that your wife is just a person being a person,
and
we're going to be
imperfect with that. We're gonna struggle
with our emotions, and we're gonna struggle with the
with the
the instances
of when she doesn't
rise to the level that we would like for her to be.
And when we can,
she actually will,
allow herself to be
more comfortable around you. When she knows that you're not going to blow up, you're not going to run,
you're not going to be afraid of the fact that she has, you know, that she's angry for whatever reason, that she is is sad for whatever reason, and that you're not gonna come in here and start all of a sudden trying to fix stuff.
You're gonna allow her to have her emotions,
which is
a rough thing for us guys to do because we are
people of action.
We love to be we see a problem. We wanna take, take,
take action on that problem. We wanna fix it. We wanna be those fixers. Right?
But when we fix our wife, we take care of our wife. We take
her ability to care away from her.
So
we want to just let her have her emotions.
Let her no matter how uncomfortable we think it is,
allow her to just enjoy
her emotions the way she wants to enjoy them, which sounds really weird because it was like, well, what if she's so afraid? She's crying.
Then she's afraid. She's crying. It's not that we're doing
anything
horrible. We're just
allowing her to be the woman of our dreams.
She's still there. We just have to
let the full
woman of our dreams out. It's not just always the pretty,
you know, hair done,
nails done, makeup done,
in a in a teddy ready to go with the drop of a hat.
There are those times when her hair is messed up and it's flying every which way. No makeup. She's got 3 layers of clothes on. She's got pants on and,
pants
and or sweatpants on. I can't talk. She's got, sweatpants on underneath,
some some pajama shorts and,
you know,
she she looks like, you know, a fashion disaster, and that's okay because
she's still the same woman.
You just we just have to be able to allow her to be
the full woman, the full person that that is who we said I do too.
And when we cannot accept
her for being her,
that's when you allow her to open up and to start loving on you. And we've seen instances. There's been studies of where people who are,
overly and highly adored,
they actually start setting further apart
because all that adoration
takes so much energy out of you if you're the adorer
and out of her because she's having to
try to rise to that adoration.
And so
when we allow her take our wife off the pedestal,
she actually starts being able to love us more. She starts being able to
attend to us more because
we are allowing her within arms reach. We're she we're allowing her to be
to be within
the
the space that where she can
be herself,
and she's happy to be herself. She's content.
Not all the time. She's gonna have all those all those other emotions, all the emotions that you have too, man. But to have those emotions and to share those emotions and to
to view
the the outcome of those emotions and be able to just hang out
and be with her as she,
is emotional
with, with whatever thoughts and feelings that she has,
suddenly, she is going to be a lot more loving
towards you, which is what we want. We want the we want our wife to to love us
unconditionally,
and that unconditionally
means that
we can't put any conditions on her either.
So, guys, with that, I wanna say there thank you very much for for listening. We're a little bit shorter of a show today. I'm not doing any 45, 50 minute shows today, and I wanna say thank you very much for taking the time to listen. If you found anything on the show that was very it was
was,
resonated with you or caused you to think of somebody who is
wanting to who's running into the same problem. Maybe he's they've he's got a
a wife that he has basically put on a pedestal, and she's recently here tumbled off.
Maybe
point this, show to let him let him know. Let the guys in your area know. Hey. There's a podcast out there that is helping men become better men.
Helping men
be become better at their relationships
with their wives
by allowing
us to just
be.
You know? Be allow us allow our wives to actually just be and to to in to be a part of
what
this whole human
experience is.
And so, guys, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. Y'all take care if you have, any questions or if you'd I am do wanna do have a, before I forget,
I do have a
a workshop that I'm working on opening up at the beginning of next year. I figured it'd be a great time for us to be able to start
our our new year off and with having a better relationship with our family and with our wives and our kids and all that.
And so
to be able to do that, we have to be able to master the storm that's within us. And so if you're interested
in in
approaching and and
figuring out, learning how to
manage that storm, that
dis ease that's that we feel within ourselves,
then
go over to relaxedmail.comforward/stormmaster,
all one word.
It's just a little simple,
Google form
to fill that out,
and I'm gonna keep you up to date as as,
the the new year approaches,
and we're gonna if there's anybody that's actually interested in it, then we're going to,
we're gonna get together, and we're going to find
and learn and discover how we can actually have
a better time. We can actually relax
to our what our lives are and have a better time with our relationships
by just simply
allowing
our life to be
the life that we want.
And so, guys, with that, I wanna say thanks again for listening. We'll talk to y'all next week.
Till then.
Bye.