You and your wife are having
a heated discussion. It's not yelling. We're not
we're not fighting over,
really. We're just having a very
impassioned
discussion.
And then you just said something you really
wished you hadn't said. You took it in a direction that was not needed to be taken. What do you do?
Well, we're gonna talk about when
and how
to use one of the greatest
tools
with a with your wife, and that is the duo. We're gonna talk about that this week on episode 237 of the relaxed male.
This is the relaxed male.
The show that comes to you each week helping men to remove the nice guy from their life so they can actually live their life on their terms.
Join the host certified coach, Bryan Goodwin, as he helps men step out of their heads and become free from the thoughts that bind them.
Amen. Hello, and welcome to the relaxed mail. I'm your host, Bryan. And I'm a certified men's coach who assists men who are just neck deep in the suffering of their life.
These are the men that are struggling to get their relationships
up and going and are trying to make their bride happy, yet they are making themselves
miserable in the process.
What are you gonna do? How do you change your approach to your marriage?
Why is this sacred institute
so full of strife
and tension?
Well, join me and we're gonna discover how you can relax
and have the marriage you wanted at the same time.
You can have that marriage that is of love,
peace,
and more. And today, we're talking about
a great
tool that you can use.
Now in in the game of golf now I'm not a big golfer
by any stretch of the imagination,
but there is this one little feature or or
or gimme if you wanna
in in
golf that is called the mulligan.
And you can what it is is if you could take a swing, you're apparently
well, a lot of folks say that you're allowed 1 Mulligan
each game. You just you go off. You go to swing the club. You duff it real bad and you just or you whiff it or whatever, and it's just it just goes out and is gone.
And you know you're never gonna find that darn cabal ever again.
So what do you do?
Well, you can,
in in the game of golf, if your friends are up with for it,
have a call a mulligan. Just you just do it again. No no hits, you know, no ding to the, to the scorecard or anything. It's just in, done, gone. Try it again,
and
may the odds be ever in your favor.
But
a lot of times, we
don't realize we actually have something like that. Now the conditions of it are very much the same.
All parties involved
when it comes to, like, in a marriage,
all parties involved have to be
agreed and allow
for this
mulligan
to take place. Now the mulligan that I'm talking about is called the do over,
and it's it it just as it sounds, you're talking about something, and you go into an area, and all of a sudden, you see your wife tense up. She's getting ready to just light into you.
And then it dawns on you. You just said something that you probably
really
don't wanna be saying.
So what do you do?
Well,
you can you can either
let it go. Just keep going. Try to talk yourself out of it, and it's not gonna work.
99%
of the time. Now sometimes it will. I was like, oh, I didn't mean to say it that way. I'm sorry that came out.
It sounded better in my head than it did in in real life. You know, one of those things.
But the do over
you essentially, what you're doing is you're just you're stopping conversation
mid stride and you're going, woah.
You apologize.
That did not come out right, or I just realized what I was doing. I just realized what was going on.
Can I please
have a do over?
That's it. That's all. That's all a do over is. You ask for a do do over and your spouse, your wife can actually go off and say yes.
And now we're gonna talk about why. When when do you want is it good to have a do over? Well, it's not just when you'd go off and
say, I'm going you know, I'm I'm
you never whatever. Whatever. You know? You never
have
people over to our house. You never go out and enjoy life. You know you know? When we go into those you nevers, those very
defined
moments,
those types of things where people can re react and
and
discussions go completely
off the rails.
Those were all great times. If you can catch it in time. Now if everybody's
emotions are just already skyrocketed,
they're out
and we're, they're just blah, you know, they're just,
it becomes a, a free for all yelling match.
A do over probably isn't going to work,
but
you can always try. You can woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. I let's let's do a 5 by 5,
and then
let's come back. I I wanna do it. I wanna try this discussion again because
I screwed it up. And
and you go through it and you and you might be able to get her to to agree. It's like, okay. Fine. I'm gonna go cool down. I'll be back.
So when do you have a
when is it good to have a do over? Well, it's any time, really.
If you realize you misstepped,
you broke the 97% rule, which is 97% rule is
97% of the dumb crap you wanna say, you don't say.
If you're wanting to have that, then great.
If you do something like that and you say the 97%
dumb stuff that you wanna say
and that comes pouring out, then, you know, you might just
it's something of instant regret. You're like, oh, I really that was dumb.
You could stop it. You have that power. Now you also have to allow the power to be given to the wife.
So if she says something and she wants to do a do over, great.
When you made a huge misstep and you said well,
the and you said something that was incredibly hurtful,
Again,
you can stop and go, can I have a do over? That didn't yeah. Again, you that didn't come out right.
If you're talking and you notice
things are getting really heated, it we're just talking about bills and things are getting really heated and really there's a lot of tension building up in the in the in the this room.
And you see where you can
diffuse the situation, you can rephrase a couple of the key points you said at the beginning,
you might be able to do a time out.
Kind of do a do over.
This also happens when you are go you find yourself starting to go into your corner
and the wife is going into her corner,
and those are physical corners or or per you know,
just literal or, not literal corners because that's the physical corners.
But, but just
the the
metaphorical
corner,
you can,
again,
stop and go, wait a minute.
We're we're
we're doing our anxious avoidant thing.
We're we're avoiding the conflict. We need to have this discussion.
What if we do a do over?
Maybe you heard something
that was
not right,
and you're starting to, you know, you're starting to get a little wrapped up. You get and and revved up, and you're starting to get the anger going, you can again, hold up. Let's do a do over on this.
I think we're going down the wrong path.
So what it all in all, what a do over is is this just you asking permission to stop,
and let's reset. Let's try this again. We got it wrong. We got this discussion completely wrong.
Can we try this again?
And this is a good thing. It's and it's good for relationships
because
what this means is that you're,
1, trying. You're showing your wife that you're trying to be
a better communicator. You're trying to have
more
in-depth conversations.
We're not flying off the handle. We're not living
in emotional childhood anymore,
or at least you aren't. She can. She wants to be in most childhood, and she wants to fly off the handle because you said
something that could be perceived
as as,
as you attacking her, and she wants to attack back. Oh, okay.
But you have the power where you don't have to attack back. You don't have to buy into
the stories that her mind is telling herself.
You can show your wife every time that you screw up. Oh,
that didn't come out right.
I am sorry. And that's one of the main things. You want to apologize. You wanna fess out, fess up, and ex and flesh out what it was you did wrong and why
you would like a do over. Because, I mean, when you're playing golf game, you're gonna your friends could see that your ball
hit the,
hit the tree right in front of you
and went 50 yards behind you.
So you're my okay. I I I can I get a do over? Can I catch a mulligan on this thing? And when you're with your
your spouse
and y'all are starting to go into fight flight, and more of the fight or but the fight
or freeze
sections of y'all's
y'all's means of coping with with a stressful situation.
It's good if you can stop that and go, woah. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. This didn't quite go the way I wanted it to go. So let's try
this again.
When you can say that, when you can do that,
things become
a little bit easier. She starts to understand that you're trying
your darndest. You're trying with all
your might to try to be a better communicator.
You're not out to sit there and, and react to everything that's said. You're going to respond
and you're gonna reply
with thought.
You're not going to react
with emotion,
which allows for the hard and and conflictual
discussions to actually be had,
to where y'all can actually get to the meat of the problem so that you and her can find that middle ground that y'all need to have
so that you can have
a better relationship, so you can have stronger connections,
so you can have
the
the the marriage and the life that you're truly wanting to have.
Yet if you're running around and you're lighting your hair on fire
because
of whatever,
you know,
y'all are going to have that problem. Y'all going if y'all are just responding and replying and just just
living your life in emotional childhood instead of emotional adulthood,
your life you're you're making yourselves a lot more tense. You're you're always looking on out for those unintentional.
When you are worried that your
your problems are
because of somebody else,
you're always going to be
on the lookout. You're gonna be tense. That's one of the reasons why I want the relaxed I went with the word relaxed,
not the happy male or the fulfilled male.
It's the relaxed male because when you are relaxed, you get
the fulfillment
in life because it's gonna your fulfillment is based upon what you deem fulfilling.
You want a good marriage?
You can have that good marriage.
You being the man of the house
allows you to have that good marriage.
Your wife can still fly off the handle if that's what she wants because
her emotions are not
for you to control.
Her emotions are not there for you to manage.
You're working you're trying to live 2 people's lives at the same time when you're mayor managing a an emotion.
Yet, when you
stop trying to manage the emotions and that's why you do the do over. It's you're not managing her emotions. You're trying to better the communication skill.
You're not sitting there going, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad. Here, let me make it up to you. Let me do a do over. No. No. No. No. No. No.
To if you've stepped in the in the pile of, pile of shit, you're going to have it on your shoe already.
You've gotta deal with it well after that's happened.
The do over
is for
those times when you have
misspoke,
and you realize
that
no matter what you
you do from that point forward, you're not going to be able to fix the problem.
So how do you resay
to let her know that you're trying to make sure that the life is going smoother? You're not managing the emotion. You're not doing it to, I'm sorry I pissed you off. I I pair apparently, I made you mad. I apparently when you're going off and trying to blame her for her emotional being,
which, I mean, yeah, it's her emotional being, but you're you're blaming her because
you're feeling uncomfortable.
When you're feeling the the the stress of
her emotional being,
that's on
you. So you can't blame her for the fact that you're, you know,
you're feeling
anxious or you're feeling
powerless or you're feeling shamed or whatever it is you're feeling.
Those are all your choices.
You get to have those emotions.
Don't dodge those emotions. Just allow themselves those emotions to be felt. But your
when you're doing a
do over,
you're doing it so that you
have a better means of communicating,
not to
emotionally manipulate
the situation because you don't like
how she's looking at you, which I mean,
as I keep talking to this,
it almost doesn't make sense.
Well, when do you use it then? Well, you use it when you realize
you've said something that you did not mean.
When you are
trying to make,
trying to
not keep her from feeling certain emotions,
but to help
make,
not even make her keep wanting to say maker and that's, you can't make her do anything
because, yeah, I'm
I still I still struggle with if you wanna say say old language, I guess that would almost be it
because
our
we want
we'd us guys do wanna have our our wives happy.
But when we
try
to force her into a particular
frame of mind, it never is gonna work. Well, you need to stop being angry about it. That's gonna piss her off even more. Right?
So when you are having a discussion and you see that you have verbally misstepped,
this is so that you again, like, kinda like with what I just did a moment ago whenever I realized I was the way I was using the words weren't quite the words that I wanted to use.
I could, essentially, I did a, but I don't have anybody to actually ask since I'm talking just to you, and it's a delayed reaction.
But it would've been that would've been a good time to do a do over. Been like,
I just used a whole bunch of words I didn't wanna use.
Can I get a do over?
And from there,
rephrase the word. Rephrase that's what the number one time you're gonna use a do over is when you use a word that's not something you wanna actually use.
It's not a
a means of
providing any type of
benefit to the to the relationship, to the conversation that hand.
And those times where you
lashed out because you felt
nervous. You felt anxious. You felt scared or
or what. And you lashed out, and you said a word some words that you really
don't truly believe.
Okay.
Woah.
I apologize. I said some stuff I did not actually believe. I
wanted to I was feeling hurt, and I wanted to lash out. And I apologize.
Can I please have a do over on that? Can I try that again
and say it
the way I truly
meant to say it?
A lot of times, yeah,
our wife will be okay with that,
especially if she notices that you are honestly trying. If you're just trying to do it just to manipulate,
she'll be,
no. No. No. No. We're not playing that freaking game.
So you have to use the do over
in a true,
open, and honest way.
Apologize for what it is you did. Express
why you are sorrowful for what happened.
If you don't,
why would she believe you? Oh, I did. I did. I I didn't mean to say it that way. Well, you said it, so apparently you meant it. No. No.
Why did you not mean it? Express
what it is that you why your misstep is considered a misstep to you.
When you do that,
you're going to help
your wife understand that you're
trying
more. You're trying to make sure this relationship is better.
And it does. It takes that time.
So next time you have a discussion, next time you have
a argument that
is kinda heating up or you said something or it something came out funny or something came out a little
little wonkier and you wanted to say, b,
you stop it. Stop the conversation right there. Just hold up.
That came out and sounded a lot worse than I actually intended it for intended for it to be. Can I get a do over on that? And when you say ask that, if she says yes, sweet. If she says no, okay,
then set on it. Just be with the fact that she said no
and just try to muddle for it. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you. This is a little bit shorter one this week.
And, yeah, we kinda missed last week's because,
well, I I'm gonna be diving into that one next week's,
episode because,
well, it's
it's actually something very important that guys
need to understand.
And, guys, I hope that y'all will be able to take what next week's in in 2,
what is it? 238,
because
you need to know
what you stand for.
But also what happens
when you fall from that stand.
So, guys,
we're gonna be talking about having more discussions about guys and how we navigate our life, how we navigate our marriages and our relationships and all that. So, guys, with that, I wanna say thank you very much for listening. If y'all enjoyed anything that was said in the show, please reach out to your to your brothers in in the rest of the in the rest of your your community, and let them know that there's this show out there, this relaxed male that's helping men
stop panicking so much. Stop being so stressed out. Stop to helps them stop
being
so worked
up over their marriages and their relationships and find out that you can actually have a really good life
with your wife, with your girlfriend
because
you're not spazzing out. You're not being the spaz. You're not reacting to everything. You're responding to what the different fires that are happening.
You get out of your own way. You've changed the way you think of the world,
and you start calming down. You stop stop worrying and fretting over stuff. You just take the time to get it done.
And that's what we're talking about every each and every week, guys. Every week, we're there. If you're wanting to help on getting a
better relationship, you wanna get help having a
stronger
connection with your wife, you can always reach out to me. Go on to relax mail.comforward/lovebirds.
When you go to lovebirds,
you just fill out the, the hit the button, sign
up. We're I'll go through. We'll sit down. We'll have a discussion
and find out what it is you're wanting to to achieve.
And from there, we will see what we can do on on making a game plan so that you are able to have that marriage, have that relationship that you're wanting with your wife and or your girlfriend,
because those
are the important parts of a man's life. We need
the women,
our the woman of our life in our life because
without them, we're just kinda we're kinda lost. We're just floating through life.
And when we become intentional with our relationships,
we have
that better life, and I want you want you guys to have that the best life. So if you want that best life, you want the, good time
good time with your wife and
not having the the stress and the and the worry and the tension that's
often found in
relationships,
instead having a good, relaxed,
embracing
life,
and and love with your with your
with your spouse,
relax mail dot com forward slash lovebirds,
or you can go to the show notes and there down at the bottom, there's the coaching offer, and you can hit that, and that'll take you to the same page. So guys with that, I want to say thank you very much for listening. Y'all take care. We'll catch y'all next week till then.
Bye.